...That's What She Said

What I am posting here tonight was originally contained in a thank you card I never sent. For a person who spent a large portion of life putting others first... mainly friends due to the absence of family... my recent extreme levels of procrastination have been detrimental to my character and my belief in myself as being a decent person. This change in my nature has rattled me and I've felt the weight of my self-absorption pulling me toward depression for months. The Universe has decided to save my self worth by a very fine thread while simultaneously delivering a harsh reminder that time is, indeed, short. What I may be most saddened by is by the fact that it often takes extreme measures to snap us back to reality and to the realization of what we may have forgotten and/or have taken for granted.

My grandfather emailed me nearly two weeks ago to inquire as to why I had not yet emailed him photos from my wedding and to ask why he hadn't heard from me in nearly a month. One day passed after another, each one filled with the repetitive tasks of waking early, commuting to a stressful job, commuting back in a rush to pick up my son from school before they closed, a precious 90 minutes of baby care and bedtime routine, a half-hearted dinner and falling asleep on the couch. I was barely allowing any quality time for my new husband, let alone myself... and keeping in touch with loved ones living outside my household had fallen by the wayside. This past Friday night, after a long week and after my little one was asleep, I forced myself to log into my computer while Jason made dinner. At 8:00 p.m. I wrote a short email to my grandfather explaining how I'd been busy, apologizing for my delay, enclosing a link to the photos, saying "Love you" and ending with the post-script that I had a thank you card for him, but had yet to buy a stamp to post it. Shortly before 8:00 a.m. the next morning, my grandfather died of heart failure.

While I felt some gratitude to the Forces-That-Be upon learning that he had read my email before he went to bed and shown the photos to my grandmother... I couldn't help but beat myself up for all the things I could have said... should have said... but didn't take the time to. And so... my thank you card sentiment will be metamorphosed into a eulogy that I will read tomorrow afternoon at a small church in Gainesville:

Dear Grandpa,

I told you that you cleaned up well on my wedding day, but I just wanted to tell you again that you looked great and I was very appreciative that you went through the trouble of buying a new suit just for the occasion. Speaking of being appreciative, I want you to know that it meant the world to me that you stepped in to "give me away". I know part of you may have felt that your son should have played the role of my father on my big day... but honestly, you were the man for the job. You took me in when I was a baby and provided me with a family foundation that is undoubtedly one of the reasons that I turned out as successful in life as I have. Many of my fondest childhood memories are from our house up in Harrington Park and I look forward to the day when my baby... your great-grandson... can enjoy one of your famous "minute eggs" for breakfast. Behind all the jokes and sarcasm over the years, the nature of which must be in our blood, has always been a genuine kindness and caring. You always showed me that you were interested in my life just in the little things you did (like saving me old cameras you'd found for my vintage collection). I guess I just wanted to let you know that this had not gone unnoticed since life sometimes puts distance between us and I'm not always the best at sharing my feelings in person (something else that must run in our family)... but most of all, I also wanted to make sure you knew that I am very proud to be your granddaughter. Thank you again for saying yes when I asked you if I could have your arm, to walk down the isle. 

I wouldn't have wanted anyone else to do it.

Love always, 

Tanya

I have had an entry building up inside my mind for weeks now, but several things prevented me from putting fingertip to keyboard. While I feel somewhat bad for my new era of blogging getting off to such a sluggish start, I must say that I've ignored other websites nearly as well. First, I was intent on finishing the mammoth new King novel within a two week time frame because I'd agreed to participate in a long distance "media club" with a dear old friend of mine who moved away to Texas. Out of all my friends, he was always the one who matched opinions with me on nearly every album, book, TV series or movie, so being able to reconnect with my fellow Stephen King fan was the first highlight of 2010. We were set to read up to certain chapters, stopping on the weekend to write email book reports on what we thought so far and offer predictions for the coming pages. Due to the fact that I only had a few late nights to myself a week and my little one keeping me on my toes all weekend, I dedicated pretty much all of my free time to reading and didn't so much as sit in my computer chair. Last Friday night I finished it. Then things went down hill. The doctor called it "daycare-itus," but I called it the worst head cold known to mankind. All three of us were down for the count for well over a week and my poor little boy received antibiotics for the very first time in his 16 months of existence. On top of all that, my office began the process of relocating downtown and the mad rush to catch up work and prepare made the job all the more stressful. Add these things together and you get Tanya asleep by 9:00 p.m. every night. However, I'm back now... and I have stamps to buy, belated cards to send, a solid 20 emails to reply to... and of course, this blog to write.

The book that I just finished reading was called Under The Dome. Without offering up any spoilers, I can tell you that it was about a small town in Maine (surprise, surprise) that mysteriously becomes encapsulated by a dome of unknown origin. Unlike some of King's other stories, the monsters aren't so much supernatural entities, but rather human beings who begin to turn on one another after being closed off from the world and have taken sides. Remind anyone of Lord of the Flies? Well, take it a step further and throw in all sorts of adult authority and then guess how long it takes for people's civility to unravel. It was a suspenseful and riveting read... and on that note, I must say that real life is nowhere near as entertaining. About the time I embarked on my synchronized reading project, a fellow paralegal at my firm was promoted to "Head Paralegal".  This event has become known in my very small circle (of just 3 or 4) as "The Rising". Since then, the laid back and independent atmosphere that I enjoyed so much has been threatened into extinction. I won't tell you how long it took for a fictional town in Maine to come completely unhinged, but I will tell you that it took my law firm approximately 3 weeks. It's been every employee for themselves lately and moving the office to a new building in downtown Orlando was the icing on the cake. Tomorrow morning will be my first commute with the additional 20 minutes tacked on and I dread the thought of the open floor plan I've heard the bosses raving about. Do I want to see my neighbor pick their nose and hear every word of every phone call? I miss my closed in office already... I'd even trade the new view of Lake Eola for my old one of I-4 if I could. Perhaps it won't be so bad. Perhaps I've just read SO much King over the years that I just expect "The Rising" to end horrifically with a massive death toll and bloodstained floors. Perhaps... but I've never witnessed any good coming from promoting from within just because a person has been there the longest and possesses no actual management training or skills, either.

A while back I wrote about one perspective I have on spirituality, namely energy transference. In that entry I wrote about how energy cannot cease to exist, that it must always change into something else. I went into detail using examples as small as how the caffeine in your morning coffee turns into that burst of energy that gets you through to lunch time... and onto larger issues like how your life force/soul has to go somewhere once your body expires. (Ten bonus points to whomever knows the title and date of that one!) I've always tried to explain my own beliefs while telling others that science and religion go hand in hand. Each can explain things that the other cannot, but while taking different avenues to get there, they arrive at the same conclusion: there is something out there bigger than us.

Here I am in 2010 (pronounced "twenty ten"). It seems strange that the last four years of my life were condensed into 125 blog entries... and even stranger that the first one was so very long ago. Writing about my separation from my longest serious relationship and embarking on new adventures that led to knowing my mother, making real best friends, auto related mishaps, a lost love interest (or two), camping and much, much, much dancing. Then there was a major shift just over one year ago as I began my more recent journey into unemployment and (finally) re-employment, maintaining a house, parenthood, marriage... and I wrote less and less. My Threadless T-shirts began to have more personality than the one wearing them. A few of friends asked me to pick up my old habit of journaling, but it seemed so hard to find the time. Then Facebook came along and made everyone lazy. Why post a thought provoking blog when you could simply overload everyone's newsfeed with a bazillion status updates about what you're doing just to see if anyone "likes" it? A one sentence long status that gets several comments can seem more rewarding than putting 30 minutes of carefully planned typing out there with not so much as a single response. It was this line of thinking that addressed the problem for me. I've gotten away from sending my words out into the interwebs for my own benefit... like so many others, I'd begun doing it for a reaction. Well, the cycle ends here. I was happier when I wrote about all the things I'd found amusing in my daily routine. I was happier when I could sit at my computer, listen to iTunes and vent about what I thought was wrong with the world around me. I was happier when I would review my last week's worth of entries and giggle to myself over how clever I was... for after all, I really am my biggest fan. So... the blog sloth I've become dies tonight. Quite frankly, I've had it with myself.

Just to tie up some loose ends... I suppose I should lament at least a little on the oddity that was 2009. It was equally wonderful and difficult, as seen in the blog archives all listed within "December 2009". To recap: I began with a three month old baby, no job and an hour commute between myself and the majority of my friends. In the middle, I acquired a bit of freelance work, got better at parenting, was informed my mother was dying of cancer and began planning my wedding. Toward the end, I got better at communicating with my soon-to-be husband and grew even closer to him, found a real job, was informed that my mother was a freak of nature (having gone into remission after hard core treatments with a predicted survival chance of less than 40%) and somehow managed to have a picture perfect wedding... with perfect pictures to prove it. The last part wasn't documented very well... but this is the future now, so I'm going with it. Christmas came and went in a blur and hubby and I rang in the new year with cheap champagne and Aliens. Why the second movie and not the first (which is far superior)? Who knows? I think we were supposed to watch Funny People but were too tired to get up and put a DVD in... and Aliens was already on the tube. Meh. They say "all's well that ends well"... so I suppose that's where I ended up... and isn't that all that matters?

In the near future, I expect to lament on friendship and love, resume my office related stories, review random music and/or movie experiences... and on occasion, share parenting tips the way that only I could. I've got some fresh ideas about the Powers That Be, too. Stay tuned, Me. This year's online documentation could prove to be the best material yet for that book I'm supposed to write.

By clicking/viewing "December 2009" in the archive list (located at the top[ish] right of this page), anyone will have access to nearly every blog I had written on MySpace. I omitted a few that were overly tiresome, unremarkable or simply short updates not worth saving.

Starting here, everything will be NEW. I'll address the questions and concerns that some have expressed regarding my mother's cancer situation, update my current employment status... and with a little luck, recapture some of that flair I once felt I had as I shared quirky insights about my life. My New Year's resolution for 2010 is to get back to blogging. Until then, I hope that any boredom you may have while sitting in front of your computer is cured by finding amusement in old entries from 2005 where I reference things like my new awesome technological wonder: the 60 GB iPod photo and this "new site I found called Craig's List". Of course, there's always the naive thoughts I once had about life versus where I am now, which some may find equally amusing... I know I did as I skimmed some of the really old posts during the process of relocating them here. More soon...

I've heard people say that life comes full circle, but I don't think I've
ever heard anyone say that death does, too. I've come to the conclusion
that it most certainly does. I suppose everything does. There really
isn't any way to sugarcoat what I need to write about (and those that
know me, know that purging via typing truly is a necessity). My mother
is dying. I'm angry that the doctors knew how serious it was months
ago, but didn't say a word and let my mother think that all she needed
was a hysterectomy and then it would be more or less taken care of. I'm
angry that they could have started doing something sooner, but they
didn't... and now they want to steal what time she has left with an
aggressive and simultaneous chemo/radiation treatment. She sent her
charts and paperwork to her best friend, the head nurse of an oncology
department up in Pennsylvania. Her friend is going to give her an
honest opinion of her chances. If it's any worse than a 60/40 percent
chance of survival, my mother is going to start traveling and when I
stop receiving post cards, I'll know that she's gone. If it's really
bad odds, she's entertaining the idea of skydiving. This is how my
mother works and while I wish these things were all speculation, they
are facts. In addition to the doctors, I'm angry with my father. He
beat my mother and drove her away before my first birthday. With no
job, no money and no friends in Florida, she asked my grandparents to
take me until she could get her life straightened out. I suppose being
in Miami during the early 80's wasn't the best place to get your act
together, but eventually she did. My father had remarried and I was
five years old when she asked permission to come back into my life and
he refused her, telling her that I thought she was dead. For all the
horrible things he did to me throughout my childhood and for depriving
me of over twenty years of knowing my mother, I am angry. And while
we're on the subject of being angry, I'm pissed as hell at the
universe. People like my father are allowed to continue living,
infecting others with negativity... and my mother, who has only really
known me for about six years, has spent nearly all of it trying to make
up for lost time. I'm just not ready to lose her. It took me so long to
find her and to form a close bond and love her. It isn't fair that I've
already had to watch three loved ones over the course of my adult life
wither away into nothing as a result of cancer... and I just don't want
to let her go. I don't know how I'm going look forward to holidays...
or try to explain to my son about how awesome his grandmother was
because he won't remember her. My mother is fifty years old and dying.
And I'm mad as hell and nowhere near ready to talk about it. So for the
select few that will be able to view this private entry, thank you for
letting me vent in silence for now. It was hard spending the weekend
down in Miami... and when I'm ready, I think I'd like to write more
about that.

So... working from home has been pretty awesome so far. The only problem is that they guy at the desk next to me just will not shut up.

Back when I was 17 and leader of a brownie girl scout troop, I closed each weekly meeting with a circle of hand holding while singing, "Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other's gold". That was probably one of the more important things I taught those girls... even more important than how to make the camper in the top bunk pee in their sleep or how to tip over a canoe. This memory came to me today because an old friend that I'd lost touch with recently re-found me on here and we've started catching up. This of course happened the week following my curious search for new Volusia County friends during one of my cabin fever moments during Jackson's nap time. I was getting so frustrated with little to do besides chores and neighborhood strolls because I've never been in this position before. I've always been a full-time employee somewhere, typically one putting in overtime. I've worn suits and collared shirts to the office for at least eight years. Wearing my pajamas past noon was making me feel like a complete bum... you'd think the lack of income would have done that, but no, it was actually the lack of showers in the morning. At the same time, I was also loving all the quality time with the boy. Being the one to actually hear every adorable new sound he made and see each one of his smiles was way, way, way better than hearing about it from a nanny. Feeling torn in two directions, I began to wonder if our household would survive if I just worked part time. With summer fast approaching, Jason's business should be booming. He's already landed quite a few new spring accounts... so I started to think that we could swing it. As most of you know, the Universe came through and gave me something better... a legal assistant position that is 80% telecomuting for a near paperless office. This week, I've starting building an organizational system for the electronic files and am testing the user-friendliness of the software we'll give our clients access to... and best of all, I've been doing research for my first company blog about going Green. I also got a response to my photography ad on Craigslist and was hired to take a headshot of a psychologist for his website and business cards. All of this has been possible while remaining a full time mom (with Jason's help, of course). Back to the friend thing, I know that my work will continue to pick up and I'll have a lot less time for boredom during my weekdays. As for my weekends and nights, I'm really one of the lucky ones. I feel rather silly for thinking that I was all alone out here and needed to find some new friends fast. Don't get me wrong, you always has room for new friends, because you can never have too many (or can you? That's a question I'd have to ask Jonathan...hehe). What I feel silly about is the fact that I felt abandoned when I've got a bunch of out-of-state girls who text and write me regularly and a great group of Orlando peeps that have been just as good about driving out here to see me as I have been driving back to see them. In fact, I currently have a massive amount of babyback ribs occupying the entire bottom shelf of the fridge in a homemade marinade for a pre-Wolverine movie BBQ tomorrow with one of our favorite couples to double date with. As for those I haven't actually seen much of since I moved away from O-town, thanks to my friend Tori, I have been reminded that any good friend I've lost touch with recently can easily be reconnected with again. This perspective helps keep my feelings of missing certain loved ones at bay. In the meantime, while it would be nice to have at least one friend who lives less than an hour away, I think I'm done freaking out about not knowing anyone in Daytona. If a find some silver, it'll be a bonus in life, but I'm glad I realized that I don't need to use a proverbial metal detector to go searching for it when I've already got access to so much gold.

Any close friend of mine also knows about my sometimes overly accurate intuition. I should have known last week that there was a reason for the funk that I was in. Sure, I was missing a couple of friends in particular a little more than normal... and I did have a touch of cabin fever. Usually though, I can shake these things off or do something to make things right. I should have known that the real reason would present itself when it was ready. First, I think I should provide some updated information on the job front.

I wrote my "this is what I'm worth, take it or leave it" email last Thursday. On Friday, I received a reply from the attorney saying, "After our interview last week I decided that if I couldn't afford to hire you, then I wouldn't hire anyone at all. Let's meet for lunch next week to talk about finding a way to make this work." While this did wonders to pad my ego, I was uncertain that it would do the same for my bank account. Yesterday, I met him for a lunch meeting. The Thai was good. The conversation was better. To sum it up, here are the highlights: I'm going to start out part-time while still collecting some unemployment benefits. After the first month, the hours will ramp up as the work comes in. I will then become an official full time employee (at the wage I demanded) after using that first month as a way to get familiar with the system he's created on the Mac and the procedures that will make this paperless office run smoothly. My foreclosure experience is going to play a huge role in laying the ground work for our first two test files that we should receive in two weeks. By July, I should have health benefits, an hourly base pay plus commision bonuses on the amount of work we're doing, plus paid internet and cell phone by the company. Why, you ask? Oh, because I'll be working mostly from home! We're installing all of his software on my Mac next week... and then once the ball gets rolling (toward year end), he wants to upgrade me to an iPhone and a Macbook so that I'm capable of doing everything that he is with the same equiptment. I'll only have to go in to the office to scan documents into the system and do a little organization once or twice a week and I get to make my own hours. In fact, he suggested that I work mostly in the evenings so that I don't have to pay a nanny and can still be a stay at home mom. I put this deal in writing today and I officially start on Monday. For my first week, he'll be out of town. He's asked that while he's away, I work on updating his website and write a bunch of blogs about the company. Considering my love of blogging, I think he hired the right woman.

I know the first couple of months will be a little risky... and the Universe has been tempting me with ideal job matches popping up out of nowhere the last two days. One firm is less than 2 minutes from my house and is looking for a paralegal with EXACTLY my experience. If I sent in my resume, I know I'd get an interview. However, I'm ready to try something a little different from the normal 9 to 5 cubicle work life... and on top of that I'm going to be needing time off for long weekends in the near future. With a more corporate job, vacation time is not something I'd get up front. With the business venture I've embarked on, I can go out of town as needed. This fact is what sealed the deal for me. The reason I'll need time off is also the reason for last week's uneasy feeling.

So here it is. I'm going to need to start visiting Miami a little more often. My mother has been diagnosed with late stage cancer. Test results should begin a game plan next Tuesday. I really don't want to get into any further detail right now... but I will say that I regret making jokes and proclaiming that I am a "cancer magnet". I now feel like the posterchild for getting back exactly what you project out into the Universe. Of course, I know I didn't cause anything... the timing is just ironic, I suppose.

I know, this started out as such a positive blog... sorry. Debbie Downer over and out.

Any close friend of mine knows that cancer has played a rather large role in my life. The disease is like a familiar, but strange friend after losing three loved ones to it within five years. The term doesn't frighten me anymore, and perhaps that's why the most recent big event in my life was not a shock. Instead my response was something like, "Well, that's typical."

I'd been working at my new job just under three months when I found out the attorney that my attorney worked for was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. This news shed some light on some of the problems I'd been having while doing work for him... the short term memory loss and slurred speech made dictation an all afternoon event. It also explained why the attorney I was working directly for had begun distancing himself from me. I began to fear that if the main attorney went into early retirement, my direct attorney would inherit his secretary (who's been there 20 years and is much more experienced), making my position obsolete. My worries seemed to be confirmed when they extended my 90 day probation for an additional 30 days while they "figured things out"... a/k/a "didn't have to pay for health benefits". Assuming that I only had a few weeks left, I began putting my resume back out there. On the Friday before last, my attorney asked me to attend a meeting and advised me that it was to be my last day. I was allowed to leave early if I was upset, but instead, I opted to stay until the end of the day and clean up all of the work on my desk. I was told that it wasn't anything personal, that I was great at what I did and was well liked around the office, but that it just "hadn't worked out". Since they'd made sure I was still in the probationary period, there was no need for any severence pay. After I'd finished my work for the day, it didn't take me long to clear my area. Outside of a "Domo" wall calendar, I hadn't put anything personal on my desk. I wasn't upset and it was like I had known better than to fully settle in. I was disappointed because I hadn't found another job yet and was worried about finances, but I wasn't sad to lose my spot in that firm. I didn't fit in well there. No one thought "that's what she said" jokes were funny. Original paperwork was always getting lost, the filing nearly reached the ceiling and the phone never stopped ringing. All I really had there was a nice view. Many attorneys can be fickle. I've never clashed with one before and I'm used to my employers liking me. This time, it was hard to tell. Maybe I just wasn't a good fit because I didn't like fishing, NASCAR or monster trucks... or maybe it really was a result of the guy with cancer. There's really no way to know for sure. I just know that it felt like I was supposed to be moving on.

One and a half weeks and 27 job applications later, I received my first phone call. This attorney told me that he practices mainly real estate, homeowners' association and landlord/tenant law... my areas of expertise. Then he told me that he started his own firm last year and developed his office to be paperless... meaning all digital and all on Mac computers. He said that he went to Rollins and applied to Butler & Hosch back in 2003 and asked me how I'd liked working there back then. Then we talked about what it was like moving from Orlando to the Daytona area and how there aren't any good restaurants to eat at. I thought that maybe I should pinch myself to see if maybe I was dreaming... but the clock said 2:00 p.m. and I don't take naps. Of course, my elation wasn't destined to last. Next we talked about the cons. As a fairly new firm that was just starting to get really busy, he wasn't going to be able to offer me the salary that I'm accustomed to. Also, it's going to take him a few months to get all the paperwork in order for him to start providing medical benefits. I said those things might not keep me form accepting the position, if the good things about the job outweighed the bad. He gave me directions and I'm interviewing tomorrow at 2:30 p.m.

For every new job I have ever started, I've had to wait at least 3 months to start receiving benefits, so if it takes somewhere around that time to get them... then it wouldn't be a big deal. As far as the pay goes, saving $400 a month on gas by NOT commuting to Orlando for a job may help balance the downgraded salary. Plus, with Spring upon us, Jason's business is picking up pace and he'll be bringing home more dough. The past two firms I've worked for have taught me an important thing... money is not the most important factor... it cannot buy your happiness. If I can find a place that I actually enjoy going to every week day, then that might be worth a pay cut. Who knows, maybe in a few months when this new firm is doing well and I've proven my worth, I could demand a raise. Even though I am hesitant about some major factors, there is a part of this opportunity that seems so exciting. I could potentially be on the ground floor of something that could grow into a huge success. I'd finally be the one with seniority... I'd be the one implementing the office procedures that all future assistants would have to begrudgingly adhere to... I'd have some control over my work. Then, there's also this Jerry Maguire feel to it... obviously not the romantic comedy aspect of the film, but more so the chance to leave the large corporation behind for the pursuit of doing things a new way, a better way.

My previous two job interviews were for the previous two jobs that I had. I wasn't excited about either. I just needed something after a lay-off and I said what I needed to in order to land the job and get a paycheck. I've never NOT gotten a job that I've interviewed for and I'm always confident going in. However, tomorrow feels different... I'm actually nervous and fretting over my wardrobe. My intuition tells me that I could be happy behind a desk for a change... that this might not just be another stint of typing letters and pleadings for attorneys to sign and then mailing a bunch of crap out at the end of the day while nursing my paper cuts and cursing the jammed copy machines. This could actually be something... more. Though, I could be wrong... it could all be wishful thinking.

I suppose I'll find out for sure tomorrow.

The first part of this blog is a little late in the making, but that just makes this one a double shot. My apologies in advance for the lack of creative story telling, but it's been a long day. To make up for it, I've included illustrations. Enjoy!

For Jason's birthday weekend late January, we flew up to Chicago... so far, one of my favorite cities ever. This was my second visit to my friend Adrienne, but this time was in the dead of winter.


With the wind chill, it was less than zero degrees, but I loved every freezing minute. We began with a night of drinks at a local dive bar, woke up to homemade chocolate chip bananna pancakes (made by yours truly), went out for a little sight seeing, stopped to try the Chicago dog voted #4 in the city and then hit up the Field Museum to check out some fossils, mummies and an assortment of other dead things.




Of course, there was also a good amount of transporting ourselves via train and taxi... and where there is snow, there will be a Floridian making a snow angel.





Jason's actual birthday happened to also be Adrienne's birthday, which also happened to be the day of her wedding reception... and for all occasions (but mostly the latter), a huge party was held at Wrigley Field. How very Chicago-ian. To make up for the fact that Jason was at a wedding reception on his big day, he got to share free drinks by the bar and have a little bromance with his good buddy Parker for most of the night. This enabled me to be the official photographer until the wine effected my focus and I felt the dance floor calling my name. The only downside was missing my little boy at home...




A good time was had by all and I'm counting the minutes until next year (or sooner) until I can think of an excuse to go back.


Trip number two was a traditional road trip South to spend the weekend with my mother for my 31st birthday. The 80 degree weather in Miami was a drastic difference from our chilly adventure in the Windy City.


Going with tradition, we ate brunch at the News Cafe and then slowly made our way to the beach, stopping every 2 minutes to allow the tourists to take pictures of Gus.



However, after settling into a spot somewhat free of spring breakers and setting up our lounge chairs, we were approached by some leather clad hair stylists who handed us their cards and asked us if we'd like a free hair cut as part of a promotion they were doing. My mother agreed to keep an eye on the baby and Jason and I followed the brightly dyed hair of the leather booted entourage as they headed toward a large tent set up a few hundred feet away. Upon arriving, were told to sign release forms to be featured on the reality show "Tabitha's Salon Takeover," which Jason and I knew of from watching "The Soup" on E! I've known people in the past just dying to get on a reality TV show and we might have done it without even trying. Weird, no? I was a little camera shy, so I'm hoping as much of the footage featuring me as there was hair on the sand ends up on the cutting room floor of the editing room. We met Tabitha, got cameras shoved in our faces, but most importantly, got awesome haircuts at no charge while digging our toes in the white sand of Miami Beach. Jason was able to covertly snap a photo prior to going into the tent.



Our next stop was back to our hotel so that Jackson could have a little lunch and take a nap. After that, we decided to all hang out by the pool and enjoy the sunshine.





That night, we window shopped on Lincoln Road, shared a fancy pants dinner at an outdoor cafe with Melissa and Dan (who we did not take any pictures with because we must have been having too much fun), stopped for a chocolate fudge treat and said our goodbyes before arriving back at our art deco room on Collins Avenue.

The next morning, we shared breakfast in bed, loaded up the car and took the scenic route back to the highway. This allowed us to locate the actual apartment building where one of our favorite TV characters "lives". We parked, and the snuck along the hedges to snap some photos as evidence that we'd visited the home of Dexter Morgan. Talk about the perfect ending! Don't be jealous, Amy and Brandon. (Hehehe.)

Perhaps it’s not simply other peoples’ perception that I’ve turned into a mom and become a bore. Maybe I have been one lately, not that I don’t have the best excuse, but still... I haven’t even been able to think of much to write about and if you know me at all, you know that’s a strange occurrence. The best blog idea I’ve had in months was about all the pet hair I found inside the cuff of a pair of my dress pants. Don’t worry, I didn’t write about it, nor will I. As Harvey Danger sang, “If you’re bored, then you’re boring,” and I have been (when not busy with family). Sometimes, I am so focused on my boys at home, that I’ve had little time to notice… but there are other times when it’s blindingly obvious, like when my mind wanders from the work piling up on my desk, while sitting in my car at traffic lights and that hour or two between when Jackson goes to bed (the first time) and when I begin to fall asleep on the couch while Jason’s at work. Honestly, I can’t blame it completely on moving an hour away from my friends. Part of it really is me. Until a few days ago, I’d completely stopped listening to music at the office since my iPod died and my new one won’t sync to my computer. I decided to take a chance and stream indie music from the internet and have slowly started to feel my spirit rise. Sometimes you don’t fully realize how important something is to you until you’ve let it go and you take the time to rediscover it. Sure, my profile page is filled with “music this and music that, blah, blah, blah,” but I wrote all that years ago and have only modified it slightly as time has passed. I never in a million years would have thought that it would be something that became out of sight, out of mind… but it kind of did. While I feel it in my core that Jason and Jackson should take priority in my life, my temporary distance from music has frightened me and I know that I cannot lose myself completely in them. My existence feeling stagnant is temporary and once the baby begins sleeping through the night on a regular basis, I know I’ll feel less run down. Meanwhile, in addition to Jackson’s rock-a-bye baby cds (renditions of U2, The Beatles and Coldplay in lullaby format), I’m once again discovering new bands and falling in love with old songs all over again. The girl who once listened to her music collection on party shuffle 24 hours a day, during sleep, drives and work… is not that far removed from where I am now. Instead of staring out the window at the ocean and wondering why I’m bored, I’m catching up on some files and focusing on my work to the beat of bands like Klaxons, White Rabbits, Delta Spirit and (ironically) Office. At the same time, the notes have been stirring my heart strings and reminding me of the reasons why I fell in love with Jason… and why I’ve always had so much fun with my friends. Music has always been the glue that pieced the people and events in my life together… and as I danced around the room to Clap Your Hands Say Yeah while getting Jackson ready for his bath the other night, I saw how happy it made him, too. Part of me can’t wait for him to be old enough to take to his first rock concert… but until then, I think Jason’s got an acoustic gig at a local bar coming up and I also have a show at The Social to look forward to tomorrow night. I’m so anxious to be front row to live music again after being on a half year hiatus… and it’s going to feel flipping fantastic to stop being such a snore!

There were certain things I expected to learn as I entered parenthood including having more patience, giving more affection, how to function with no sleep, diaper changing, accomplishing daily tasks one handed and all things related to baby care. All of these lessons have schooled me over the last five months and many of them, I am still trying to master. There are other things though... things that I did not anticipate, but am beginning to accept.



Luckily, I have a little boy and a future husband who, unlike friends, offer a more permanent relationship... and having that stability in life makes the uncertainty of friendship much easier to handle. Where did all of this come from? For one, I just got tired of wasting time being sad about people who probably haven't given me a single thought lately when I've got so much going on in my own life... and secondly, I've been thinking about who really needs to be invited to my wedding. It's amazing how a five month old child and something as simple as a seating chart for a reception can force you to open your eyes, evaluate and reconsider the people you know.