...That's What She Said

What I am posting here tonight was originally contained in a thank you card I never sent. For a person who spent a large portion of life putting others first... mainly friends due to the absence of family... my recent extreme levels of procrastination have been detrimental to my character and my belief in myself as being a decent person. This change in my nature has rattled me and I've felt the weight of my self-absorption pulling me toward depression for months. The Universe has decided to save my self worth by a very fine thread while simultaneously delivering a harsh reminder that time is, indeed, short. What I may be most saddened by is by the fact that it often takes extreme measures to snap us back to reality and to the realization of what we may have forgotten and/or have taken for granted.

My grandfather emailed me nearly two weeks ago to inquire as to why I had not yet emailed him photos from my wedding and to ask why he hadn't heard from me in nearly a month. One day passed after another, each one filled with the repetitive tasks of waking early, commuting to a stressful job, commuting back in a rush to pick up my son from school before they closed, a precious 90 minutes of baby care and bedtime routine, a half-hearted dinner and falling asleep on the couch. I was barely allowing any quality time for my new husband, let alone myself... and keeping in touch with loved ones living outside my household had fallen by the wayside. This past Friday night, after a long week and after my little one was asleep, I forced myself to log into my computer while Jason made dinner. At 8:00 p.m. I wrote a short email to my grandfather explaining how I'd been busy, apologizing for my delay, enclosing a link to the photos, saying "Love you" and ending with the post-script that I had a thank you card for him, but had yet to buy a stamp to post it. Shortly before 8:00 a.m. the next morning, my grandfather died of heart failure.

While I felt some gratitude to the Forces-That-Be upon learning that he had read my email before he went to bed and shown the photos to my grandmother... I couldn't help but beat myself up for all the things I could have said... should have said... but didn't take the time to. And so... my thank you card sentiment will be metamorphosed into a eulogy that I will read tomorrow afternoon at a small church in Gainesville:

Dear Grandpa,

I told you that you cleaned up well on my wedding day, but I just wanted to tell you again that you looked great and I was very appreciative that you went through the trouble of buying a new suit just for the occasion. Speaking of being appreciative, I want you to know that it meant the world to me that you stepped in to "give me away". I know part of you may have felt that your son should have played the role of my father on my big day... but honestly, you were the man for the job. You took me in when I was a baby and provided me with a family foundation that is undoubtedly one of the reasons that I turned out as successful in life as I have. Many of my fondest childhood memories are from our house up in Harrington Park and I look forward to the day when my baby... your great-grandson... can enjoy one of your famous "minute eggs" for breakfast. Behind all the jokes and sarcasm over the years, the nature of which must be in our blood, has always been a genuine kindness and caring. You always showed me that you were interested in my life just in the little things you did (like saving me old cameras you'd found for my vintage collection). I guess I just wanted to let you know that this had not gone unnoticed since life sometimes puts distance between us and I'm not always the best at sharing my feelings in person (something else that must run in our family)... but most of all, I also wanted to make sure you knew that I am very proud to be your granddaughter. Thank you again for saying yes when I asked you if I could have your arm, to walk down the isle. 

I wouldn't have wanted anyone else to do it.

Love always, 

Tanya