...That's What She Said

The problem I had was nostalgia. Yes, nostalgia is an evil thing... it comes off as a bittersweet emotion and some may use it to describe a happy reflection of past event, but those who do so are wrong.  Feeling nostalgic means that you are longing for something you no longer have. The perfect example is homesickness. I spent nearly ten years plotting my departure from Florida, but then I spent my first year in Texas missing that old people and alligator filled swamp. I got to the point where I wasted hours scrolling through my friends and family's Facebook posts from a thousand miles away... wishing I was there with them to eat at my favorite local spots or hug their babies. I let the nostalgia consume me to the point where I began to feel numb.  I'd respond to texts or click "like" on their posts, but I felt nothing... I was just an empty shell looking through a window to a place I no longer belonged. All the while, I focused on my career and my home life, playing the role of legal executive, wife and mother without skipping a beat. I made sure I was doing everything right for everyone else, which made it much easier not to think about myself or what I thought I was missing. I am over thirty now, with a preschooler, and absolutely no idea how to make new friends. I had no one at the office that I could truly relate to and most of the parents I attempted to interact with at my kid's school were about as fake as it gets. My introverted nature took over and I withdrew from the present, discouraged and eventually depressed as a result of my lack of social interaction outside of my household. 

I think when adults are going through depression, but open to reclaiming their emotions, the universe will slap them with a game changer.  My life changing event was being laid off from my job just over two weeks ago. Two days after posting my IWSG post about making a commitment to write more, I was unexpectedly let go, along with my entire department, my boss and many others (a total of 52% of the current workforce of the company) with no notice, no severance and no idea about what to do next.  I relocated to the Dallas area for this job... without it, I had no ties.  Talk about a wake-up call, right?  I promptly pulled my son out of his fancy-pants expensive preschool for the summer and spent a couple of hours registering for unemployment and putting the family budget into an Excel spreadsheet. Thereafter, my days have been spent sharing breakfast with the kiddo, then job hunting and resume tweaking for about 3 hours while he plays on his own, followed my lunch and Scooby Doo, followed by nap & shower time, followed by summer fun activities until dinner when Dad gets home. I just completed week three of unemployment and I can say this... I would have made an awful stay-at-home mom.  I don't know how those ladies do it.  I've already run low on Pinterest crafts and thanks to all the visits to the pool, I've got a tan for the first time in about five years... what next?  It's exhausting keeping up with a four year old. I play 20 questions with him all day... literally non-stop for at least 12 hours.  I might snap and go insane... except for the fact that I am utterly filled with joy and appreciation for the time that I am getting to spend with him.  I've laughed, I've cried, I've lived.  I'm back. My family has shown me what truly matters and reminded me why we moved out here in the first place. I love my friends dearly, but family comes first and it was my mission to provide the best possible life for my son that I could. Instead of looking at old photos and shutting down my emotions, I'm calling up my long distance besties and catching up.  I'm making plans to get my finances back to a good place so that I can go home to visit while still making a great new life in the Lone Star State... and no longer will I refer to it as the Lonely Star State. I've made peace with the present and I'm letting the past be what it was... something great that lead me to where I am.

So with that, I think it's safe to say that I am almost to the point where I've applied to every job in existence in my field and I won't feel too guilty if I reduce the job hunting down to one or two hours per day and spend at least one of them writing. I should have a new job within the next month or two, so I'll never have this much time on my hands again... I'd be a fool not to continue to make the best of it!  I only hope I can repay the kindness of others in this network by being a better participant.  These last few months, I was certainly not at my best.  But I think we all go through rough patches in life... I think the important thing is what we do after we make it through them.