...That's What She Said

As I've started to build my own family, my unrelated "family" built of friends has split off into various categories. Some have shown me that my purpose in their lives was simply being someone who was fun to do things with, so long as the events were something they were interested in anyway. Some have shown me that the step I've taken forward in life no longer fits in with where they're headed. Some have shown me extra support and acknowledged that they love me as a person, regardless of changes, and don't need me to do things for them or with them in order to maintain our friendship. This blog is not about that last group. Having a baby has taught me a lot about perspective and what I should value most.

I've always said that a friendship bears many similarities to romantic relationships and I see now that there are also parallels in the way that either can end. Some simply taper off, slowly without much fuss or drama as two people grow apart until contact just stops (once the person holding on gives up). Others explode with angry words and end abruptly with one person or both deciding to never speak again. Recently, I've thought about some of my past friendships, how they ended and why. Despite nostalgia that sneaks up on me when I hear a certain song or see a familiar place, I've convinced myself that it was all for the best. Having a son, who will soon enough be very receptive and impressionable, I know that I'd want to keep as many negative influences away from him as I could. Also, if I've distanced myself from certain people over the years because I just didn't want them in my life anymore... it's hard for me to be upset with anyone for doing the same to me now that I'm a mother living in a different city. Surprisingly, Jackson is helping to teach me to be more ok with letting go, in addition to what to hold on to. For years, I've "freaked out" when I thought I was losing someone I loved (and while it's understandable after a past filled with abandonment), I think I'm starting to be a little better about it now. While it's sad that there will always be people who think about me a lot less then I think about them... and there will be others who now see me a boring parent who can't go out and have fun with them anymore... I cannot control how others feel about me. I have begun to accept that sometimes when people decide that they don't need you anymore, it doesn't matter what you'd been through together or what promises you may have made, it doesn't matter how many common interests you share, it doesn't even matter if you owe each other money or favors or still have mutual friends... when they're done with you, they're just done. Trying to hold people back when they're trying to move forward without you is selfish, regardless of what you think they might "owe you" or what you want or deserve... and I'm just now beginning to realize that. Additionally, why would anyone with any amount of self worth chase after someone who didn't value or respect them anymore? Of course, not all friendships come to an end after a significant life change. Some just evolve into something different... and if that change means that they just want to downgrade the intensity of the friendship and want to be involved in my life on a less than regular basis, I have to learn to be ok with that, too. Accepting people for what they actually are instead of what I want them to be or what their potential may be is something I've always stuggled with... and I'm fairly certain I've written about it before.