Posted on 8:30 PM
A while back I wrote about one perspective I have on spirituality, namely energy transference. In that entry I wrote about how energy cannot cease to exist, that it must always change into something else. I went into detail using examples as small as how the caffeine in your morning coffee turns into that burst of energy that gets you through to lunch time... and onto larger issues like how your life force/soul has to go somewhere once your body expires. (Ten bonus points to whomever knows the title and date of that one!) I've always tried to explain my own beliefs while telling others that science and religion go hand in hand. Each can explain things that the other cannot, but while taking different avenues to get there, they arrive at the same conclusion: there is something out there bigger than us.
Quote: "Science and religion are not at odds. Science is simply too young to understand."
I somewhat recently watched part of a documentary that featured an interview with the top astronomer[*] at the Vatican. It was an interesting segment to say the least. While it's true that religion as a whole has existed long before science, it is also true that science has existed much longer than most of the Christian based denominations that surround us today. I don't mind one bit that people with a variety of points of view all want to explain what's out there in the great beyond... in fact, I love it. I'll listen intently to anyone's theory in hopes that I'll learn something new... if not about the Universe, at least about them as a person. What bothers me is the level of offense people tend to take when encountered with an extremist of one side or the other. Yes, I will admit that any human being claiming that they are 100% certain that they are correct as to what God is (or isn't) is not only pompous, but also undoubtedly wrong due to impossibility... and I'll go one further and say that extremists of any particular thing annoy me, being one who strives for moderation in balance in life. However, as irritated as I might become, I would never think to bash their beliefs, call them stupid or throw snide and sarcastic remarks their way. It pains me when I see others doing so. It is baffling to me that those scoffing at another for sharing their beliefs do not see (or care) that their actions are far more offensive because they are doing so knowingly and with malicious intent. As a general rule: If a stranger on a sidewalk approached an individual and asked if they would like to know how to save fifty percent on auto insurance, they'd likely say yes or no in a polite manner and not think much of it. Then why would that same person react completely different to a stranger asking if they'd like to know "how to be saved by God"? Why act so offended and retaliate with rudeness toward that well meaning stranger and/or make fun of them behind later amongst your peers? On that same token, why would a person claiming to follow the teachings of the Bible (who'd likely have no problem listening about auto insurance, either) look down upon and judge someone who followed an Eastern or more scientific belief system? Sticking with my theme of a service represented by cave men and geckos, I'll say that while I would have no problem listening to someone's ideas of what insurance was better and polite even when faced with someone who claimed that their insurance was superior to all other companies... I wouldn't call them names or attempt to point out what an idiot they were just because I didn't agree. I'll admit to an eye roll and some humor upon receiving a gift of children's coloring books about Creationism... but even if my son will not be read those books any time soon because I want him to be able to think for himself before exposure to such information... I still do my best to remain understanding that the gift giver meant no harm and was honestly just giving us a gift. I may not have agreed with the content, but I wasn't upset by it, I didn't lash out and I even said "Thank You". So... I guess my point is that I don't understand why people get so touchy about religious beliefs. It really shouldn't be any different than any other opinion about any other subject that people have... and yet somehow, it is. It makes me a little sad sometimes.
In my perfect little world in my head, people would live a full, balanced and happy life... serving as a good example of whatever faith or non-faith they abided by... and when bumping into a fellow inhabiter of my imaginary utopia, they could freely share what made them so happy in life... and the other listening would simply be happy for them. Maybe that person would then share their opposing view and be greeted by an equal amount of mutual respect and genuine joy in knowing that they both had traveled different paths to end up finding what gave them peace. Oh, what a wonderful world it would be.
For now, I'll just have to put my sorrow for the general population's intolerance for one another's spiritual ideals aside and find some hope in the possibility that right now, somewhere a brilliant mind out there (far more intellectual than myself) is about to prove that anti-matter exists... that everything is created in symmetry... that creation started somewhere and science is a way not to disprove religion, but rather explain it and support it. Sure, some will still take every word of certain books literally and some will refuse to believe that simple coincidence isn't really an explanation of anything... but I'd like to think that creating some sort of union between opposite ends of one debate could bring so many others of on branching variations together as well. I'd love to believe that pulling science and the Powers-That-Be toward one another could help us be a little more accepting, humble and less offended over something as small as a passing word of unlike ideas. Maybe I'm just a little more tolerant because one long time friend has become an Evangelist and another is Buddhist, while another is Jewish and yet another doesn't believe in much outside of turning into worm food... but still, is it too much to ask that people just be nice to one another while we're on this planet? Eventually we'll all find out what lies beyond the end of our lives, but I don't see why it has to be a constant contest of who's going to be right... because quite honestly, either way... I don't think the dead get to gloat.
[*]Author edit: changed astrologer to astronomer. Typo pointed out by Doug.
Posted on 8:34 PM
Here I am in 2010 (pronounced "twenty ten"). It seems strange that the last four years of my life were condensed into 125 blog entries... and even stranger that the first one was so very long ago. Writing about my separation from my longest serious relationship and embarking on new adventures that led to knowing my mother, making real best friends, auto related mishaps, a lost love interest (or two), camping and much, much, much dancing. Then there was a major shift just over one year ago as I began my more recent journey into unemployment and (finally) re-employment, maintaining a house, parenthood, marriage... and I wrote less and less. My Threadless T-shirts began to have more personality than the one wearing them. A few of friends asked me to pick up my old habit of journaling, but it seemed so hard to find the time. Then Facebook came along and made everyone lazy. Why post a thought provoking blog when you could simply overload everyone's newsfeed with a bazillion status updates about what you're doing just to see if anyone "likes" it? A one sentence long status that gets several comments can seem more rewarding than putting 30 minutes of carefully planned typing out there with not so much as a single response. It was this line of thinking that addressed the problem for me. I've gotten away from sending my words out into the interwebs for my own benefit... like so many others, I'd begun doing it for a reaction. Well, the cycle ends here. I was happier when I wrote about all the things I'd found amusing in my daily routine. I was happier when I could sit at my computer, listen to iTunes and vent about what I thought was wrong with the world around me. I was happier when I would review my last week's worth of entries and giggle to myself over how clever I was... for after all, I really am my biggest fan. So... the blog sloth I've become dies tonight. Quite frankly, I've had it with myself.
Just to tie up some loose ends... I suppose I should lament at least a little on the oddity that was 2009. It was equally wonderful and difficult, as seen in the blog archives all listed within "December 2009". To recap: I began with a three month old baby, no job and an hour commute between myself and the majority of my friends. In the middle, I acquired a bit of freelance work, got better at parenting, was informed my mother was dying of cancer and began planning my wedding. Toward the end, I got better at communicating with my soon-to-be husband and grew even closer to him, found a real job, was informed that my mother was a freak of nature (having gone into remission after hard core treatments with a predicted survival chance of less than 40%) and somehow managed to have a picture perfect wedding... with perfect pictures to prove it. The last part wasn't documented very well... but this is the future now, so I'm going with it. Christmas came and went in a blur and hubby and I rang in the new year with cheap champagne and Aliens. Why the second movie and not the first (which is far superior)? Who knows? I think we were supposed to watch Funny People but were too tired to get up and put a DVD in... and Aliens was already on the tube. Meh. They say "all's well that ends well"... so I suppose that's where I ended up... and isn't that all that matters?
In the near future, I expect to lament on friendship and love, resume my office related stories, review random music and/or movie experiences... and on occasion, share parenting tips the way that only I could. I've got some fresh ideas about the Powers That Be, too. Stay tuned, Me. This year's online documentation could prove to be the best material yet for that book I'm supposed to write.
Posted on 10:13 PM
By clicking/viewing "December 2009" in the archive list (located at the top[ish] right of this page), anyone will have access to nearly every blog I had written on MySpace. I omitted a few that were overly tiresome, unremarkable or simply short updates not worth saving.
Starting here, everything will be NEW. I'll address the questions and concerns that some have expressed regarding my mother's cancer situation, update my current employment status... and with a little luck, recapture some of that flair I once felt I had as I shared quirky insights about my life. My New Year's resolution for 2010 is to get back to blogging. Until then, I hope that any boredom you may have while sitting in front of your computer is cured by finding amusement in old entries from 2005 where I reference things like my new awesome technological wonder: the 60 GB iPod photo and this "new site I found called Craig's List". Of course, there's always the naive thoughts I once had about life versus where I am now, which some may find equally amusing... I know I did as I skimmed some of the really old posts during the process of relocating them here. More soon...
Posted on 9:58 PM
I've heard people say that life comes full circle, but I don't think I've
ever heard anyone say that death does, too. I've come to the conclusion
that it most certainly does. I suppose everything does. There really
isn't any way to sugarcoat what I need to write about (and those that
know me, know that purging via typing truly is a necessity). My mother
is dying. I'm angry that the doctors knew how serious it was months
ago, but didn't say a word and let my mother think that all she needed
was a hysterectomy and then it would be more or less taken care of. I'm
angry that they could have started doing something sooner, but they
didn't... and now they want to steal what time she has left with an
aggressive and simultaneous chemo/radiation treatment. She sent her
charts and paperwork to her best friend, the head nurse of an oncology
department up in Pennsylvania. Her friend is going to give her an
honest opinion of her chances. If it's any worse than a 60/40 percent
chance of survival, my mother is going to start traveling and when I
stop receiving post cards, I'll know that she's gone. If it's really
bad odds, she's entertaining the idea of skydiving. This is how my
mother works and while I wish these things were all speculation, they
are facts. In addition to the doctors, I'm angry with my father. He
beat my mother and drove her away before my first birthday. With no
job, no money and no friends in Florida, she asked my grandparents to
take me until she could get her life straightened out. I suppose being
in Miami during the early 80's wasn't the best place to get your act
together, but eventually she did. My father had remarried and I was
five years old when she asked permission to come back into my life and
he refused her, telling her that I thought she was dead. For all the
horrible things he did to me throughout my childhood and for depriving
me of over twenty years of knowing my mother, I am angry. And while
we're on the subject of being angry, I'm pissed as hell at the
universe. People like my father are allowed to continue living,
infecting others with negativity... and my mother, who has only really
known me for about six years, has spent nearly all of it trying to make
up for lost time. I'm just not ready to lose her. It took me so long to
find her and to form a close bond and love her. It isn't fair that I've
already had to watch three loved ones over the course of my adult life
wither away into nothing as a result of cancer... and I just don't want
to let her go. I don't know how I'm going look forward to holidays...
or try to explain to my son about how awesome his grandmother was
because he won't remember her. My mother is fifty years old and dying.
And I'm mad as hell and nowhere near ready to talk about it. So for the
select few that will be able to view this private entry, thank you for
letting me vent in silence for now. It was hard spending the weekend
down in Miami... and when I'm ready, I think I'd like to write more
about that.
Posted on 9:57 PM
So... working from home has been pretty awesome so far. The only problem is that they guy at the desk next to me just will not shut up.
Posted on 9:57 PM
Back when I was 17 and leader of a brownie girl scout troop, I closed each weekly meeting with a circle of hand holding while singing, "Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other's gold". That was probably one of the more important things I taught those girls... even more important than how to make the camper in the top bunk pee in their sleep or how to tip over a canoe. This memory came to me today because an old friend that I'd lost touch with recently re-found me on here and we've started catching up. This of course happened the week following my curious search for new Volusia County friends during one of my cabin fever moments during Jackson's nap time. I was getting so frustrated with little to do besides chores and neighborhood strolls because I've never been in this position before. I've always been a full-time employee somewhere, typically one putting in overtime. I've worn suits and collared shirts to the office for at least eight years. Wearing my pajamas past noon was making me feel like a complete bum... you'd think the lack of income would have done that, but no, it was actually the lack of showers in the morning. At the same time, I was also loving all the quality time with the boy. Being the one to actually hear every adorable new sound he made and see each one of his smiles was way, way, way better than hearing about it from a nanny. Feeling torn in two directions, I began to wonder if our household would survive if I just worked part time. With summer fast approaching, Jason's business should be booming. He's already landed quite a few new spring accounts... so I started to think that we could swing it. As most of you know, the Universe came through and gave me something better... a legal assistant position that is 80% telecomuting for a near paperless office. This week, I've starting building an organizational system for the electronic files and am testing the user-friendliness of the software we'll give our clients access to... and best of all, I've been doing research for my first company blog about going Green. I also got a response to my photography ad on Craigslist and was hired to take a headshot of a psychologist for his website and business cards. All of this has been possible while remaining a full time mom (with Jason's help, of course). Back to the friend thing, I know that my work will continue to pick up and I'll have a lot less time for boredom during my weekdays. As for my weekends and nights, I'm really one of the lucky ones. I feel rather silly for thinking that I was all alone out here and needed to find some new friends fast. Don't get me wrong, you always has room for new friends, because you can never have too many (or can you? That's a question I'd have to ask Jonathan...hehe). What I feel silly about is the fact that I felt abandoned when I've got a bunch of out-of-state girls who text and write me regularly and a great group of Orlando peeps that have been just as good about driving out here to see me as I have been driving back to see them. In fact, I currently have a massive amount of babyback ribs occupying the entire bottom shelf of the fridge in a homemade marinade for a pre-Wolverine movie BBQ tomorrow with one of our favorite couples to double date with. As for those I haven't actually seen much of since I moved away from O-town, thanks to my friend Tori, I have been reminded that any good friend I've lost touch with recently can easily be reconnected with again. This perspective helps keep my feelings of missing certain loved ones at bay. In the meantime, while it would be nice to have at least one friend who lives less than an hour away, I think I'm done freaking out about not knowing anyone in Daytona. If a find some silver, it'll be a bonus in life, but I'm glad I realized that I don't need to use a proverbial metal detector to go searching for it when I've already got access to so much gold.
Posted on 9:55 PM
Any close friend of mine also knows about my sometimes overly accurate intuition. I should have known last week that there was a reason for the funk that I was in. Sure, I was missing a couple of friends in particular a little more than normal... and I did have a touch of cabin fever. Usually though, I can shake these things off or do something to make things right. I should have known that the real reason would present itself when it was ready. First, I think I should provide some updated information on the job front.
I wrote my "this is what I'm worth, take it or leave it" email last Thursday. On Friday, I received a reply from the attorney saying, "After our interview last week I decided that if I couldn't afford to hire you, then I wouldn't hire anyone at all. Let's meet for lunch next week to talk about finding a way to make this work." While this did wonders to pad my ego, I was uncertain that it would do the same for my bank account. Yesterday, I met him for a lunch meeting. The Thai was good. The conversation was better. To sum it up, here are the highlights: I'm going to start out part-time while still collecting some unemployment benefits. After the first month, the hours will ramp up as the work comes in. I will then become an official full time employee (at the wage I demanded) after using that first month as a way to get familiar with the system he's created on the Mac and the procedures that will make this paperless office run smoothly. My foreclosure experience is going to play a huge role in laying the ground work for our first two test files that we should receive in two weeks. By July, I should have health benefits, an hourly base pay plus commision bonuses on the amount of work we're doing, plus paid internet and cell phone by the company. Why, you ask? Oh, because I'll be working mostly from home! We're installing all of his software on my Mac next week... and then once the ball gets rolling (toward year end), he wants to upgrade me to an iPhone and a Macbook so that I'm capable of doing everything that he is with the same equiptment. I'll only have to go in to the office to scan documents into the system and do a little organization once or twice a week and I get to make my own hours. In fact, he suggested that I work mostly in the evenings so that I don't have to pay a nanny and can still be a stay at home mom. I put this deal in writing today and I officially start on Monday. For my first week, he'll be out of town. He's asked that while he's away, I work on updating his website and write a bunch of blogs about the company. Considering my love of blogging, I think he hired the right woman.
I know the first couple of months will be a little risky... and the Universe has been tempting me with ideal job matches popping up out of nowhere the last two days. One firm is less than 2 minutes from my house and is looking for a paralegal with EXACTLY my experience. If I sent in my resume, I know I'd get an interview. However, I'm ready to try something a little different from the normal 9 to 5 cubicle work life... and on top of that I'm going to be needing time off for long weekends in the near future. With a more corporate job, vacation time is not something I'd get up front. With the business venture I've embarked on, I can go out of town as needed. This fact is what sealed the deal for me. The reason I'll need time off is also the reason for last week's uneasy feeling.
So here it is. I'm going to need to start visiting Miami a little more often. My mother has been diagnosed with late stage cancer. Test results should begin a game plan next Tuesday. I really don't want to get into any further detail right now... but I will say that I regret making jokes and proclaiming that I am a "cancer magnet". I now feel like the posterchild for getting back exactly what you project out into the Universe. Of course, I know
I didn't cause anything... the timing is just ironic, I suppose.
I know, this started out as such a positive blog... sorry. Debbie Downer over and out.
Posted on 9:54 PM
Any close friend of mine knows that cancer has played a rather large role in my life. The disease is like a familiar, but strange friend after losing three loved ones to it within five years. The term doesn't frighten me anymore, and perhaps that's why the most recent big event in my life was not a shock. Instead my response was something like, "Well, that's typical."
I'd been working at my new job just under three months when I found out the attorney that my attorney worked for was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. This news shed some light on some of the problems I'd been having while doing work for him... the short term memory loss and slurred speech made dictation an all afternoon event. It also explained why the attorney I was working directly for had begun distancing himself from me. I began to fear that if the main attorney went into early retirement, my direct attorney would inherit his secretary (who's been there 20 years and is much more experienced), making my position obsolete. My worries seemed to be confirmed when they extended my 90 day probation for an additional 30 days while they "figured things out"... a/k/a "didn't have to pay for health benefits". Assuming that I only had a few weeks left, I began putting my resume back out there. On the Friday before last, my attorney asked me to attend a meeting and advised me that it was to be my last day. I was allowed to leave early if I was upset, but instead, I opted to stay until the end of the day and clean up all of the work on my desk. I was told that it wasn't anything personal, that I was great at what I did and was well liked around the office, but that it just "hadn't worked out". Since they'd made sure I was still in the probationary period, there was no need for any severence pay. After I'd finished my work for the day, it didn't take me long to clear my area. Outside of a "Domo" wall calendar, I hadn't put anything personal on my desk. I wasn't upset and it was like I had known better than to fully settle in. I was disappointed because I hadn't found another job yet and was worried about finances, but I wasn't sad to lose my spot in that firm. I didn't fit in well there. No one thought "that's what she said" jokes were funny. Original paperwork was always getting lost, the filing nearly reached the ceiling and the phone never stopped ringing. All I really had there was a nice view. Many attorneys can be fickle. I've never clashed with one before and I'm used to my employers liking me. This time, it was hard to tell. Maybe I just wasn't a good fit because I didn't like fishing, NASCAR or monster trucks... or maybe it really was a result of the guy with cancer. There's really no way to know for sure. I just know that it felt like I was supposed to be moving on.
One and a half weeks and 27 job applications later, I received my first phone call. This attorney told me that he practices mainly real estate, homeowners' association and landlord/tenant law... my areas of expertise. Then he told me that he started his own firm last year and developed his office to be paperless... meaning all digital and all on Mac computers. He said that he went to Rollins and applied to Butler & Hosch back in 2003 and asked me how I'd liked working there back then. Then we talked about what it was like moving from Orlando to the Daytona area and how there aren't any good restaurants to eat at. I thought that maybe I should pinch myself to see if maybe I was dreaming... but the clock said 2:00 p.m. and I don't take naps. Of course, my elation wasn't destined to last. Next we talked about the cons. As a fairly new firm that was just starting to get really busy, he wasn't going to be able to offer me the salary that I'm accustomed to. Also, it's going to take him a few months to get all the paperwork in order for him to start providing medical benefits. I said those things might not keep me form accepting the position, if the good things about the job outweighed the bad. He gave me directions and I'm interviewing tomorrow at 2:30 p.m.
For every new job I have ever started, I've had to wait at least 3 months to start receiving benefits, so if it takes somewhere around that time to get them... then it wouldn't be a big deal. As far as the pay goes, saving $400 a month on gas by NOT commuting to Orlando for a job may help balance the downgraded salary. Plus, with Spring upon us, Jason's business is picking up pace and he'll be bringing home more dough. The past two firms I've worked for have taught me an important thing... money is not the most important factor... it cannot buy your happiness. If I can find a place that I actually enjoy going to every week day, then that might be worth a pay cut. Who knows, maybe in a few months when this new firm is doing well and I've proven my worth, I could demand a raise. Even though I am hesitant about some major factors, there is a part of this opportunity that seems so exciting. I could potentially be on the ground floor of something that could grow into a huge success. I'd finally be the one with seniority... I'd be the one implementing the office procedures that all future assistants would have to begrudgingly adhere to... I'd have some control over my work. Then, there's also this Jerry Maguire feel to it... obviously not the romantic comedy aspect of the film, but more so the chance to leave the large corporation behind for the pursuit of doing things a new way, a better way.
My previous two job interviews were for the previous two jobs that I had. I wasn't excited about either. I just needed something after a lay-off and I said what I needed to in order to land the job and get a paycheck. I've never NOT gotten a job that I've interviewed for and I'm always confident going in. However, tomorrow feels different... I'm actually nervous and fretting over my wardrobe. My intuition tells me that I could be happy behind a desk for a change... that this might not just be another stint of typing letters and pleadings for attorneys to sign and then mailing a bunch of crap out at the end of the day while nursing my paper cuts and cursing the jammed copy machines. This could actually be something... more. Though, I could be wrong... it could all be wishful thinking.
I suppose I'll find out for sure tomorrow.
Posted on 9:53 PM
The first part of this blog is a little late in the making, but that just makes this one a double shot. My apologies in advance for the lack of creative story telling, but it's been a long day. To make up for it, I've included illustrations. Enjoy!
For Jason's birthday weekend late January, we flew up to Chicago... so far, one of my favorite cities ever. This was my second visit to my friend Adrienne, but this time was in the dead of winter.
With the wind chill, it was less than zero degrees, but I loved every freezing minute. We began with a night of drinks at a local dive bar, woke up to homemade chocolate chip bananna pancakes (made by yours truly), went out for a little sight seeing, stopped to try the Chicago dog voted #4 in the city and then hit up the Field Museum to check out some fossils, mummies and an assortment of other dead things.
Of course, there was also a good amount of transporting ourselves via train and taxi... and where there is snow, there will be a Floridian making a snow angel.
Jason's actual birthday happened to also be Adrienne's birthday, which also happened to be the day of her wedding reception... and for all occasions (but mostly the latter), a huge party was held at Wrigley Field. How very Chicago-ian. To make up for the fact that Jason was at a wedding reception on his big day, he got to share free drinks by the bar and have a little bromance with his good buddy Parker for most of the night. This enabled me to be the official photographer until the wine effected my focus and I felt the dance floor calling my name. The only downside was missing my little boy at home...
A good time was had by all and I'm counting the minutes until next year (or sooner) until I can think of an excuse to go back.
__________________________________________
Trip number two was a traditional road trip South to spend the weekend with my mother for my 31st birthday. The 80 degree weather in Miami was a drastic difference from our chilly adventure in the Windy City.
Going with tradition, we ate brunch at the News Cafe and then slowly made our way to the beach, stopping every 2 minutes to allow the tourists to take pictures of Gus.
However, after settling into a spot somewhat free of spring breakers and setting up our lounge chairs, we were approached by some leather clad hair stylists who handed us their cards and asked us if we'd like a free hair cut as part of a promotion they were doing. My mother agreed to keep an eye on the baby and Jason and I followed the brightly dyed hair of the leather booted entourage as they headed toward a large tent set up a few hundred feet away. Upon arriving, were told to sign release forms to be featured on the reality show "Tabitha's Salon Takeover," which Jason and I knew of from watching "The Soup" on E! I've known people in the past just dying to get on a reality TV show and we might have done it without even trying. Weird, no? I was a little camera shy, so I'm hoping as much of the footage featuring me as there was hair on the sand ends up on the cutting room floor of the editing room. We met Tabitha, got cameras shoved in our faces, but most importantly, got awesome haircuts at no charge while digging our toes in the white sand of Miami Beach. Jason was able to covertly snap a photo prior to going into the tent.
Our next stop was back to our hotel so that Jackson could have a little lunch and take a nap. After that, we decided to all hang out by the pool and enjoy the sunshine.
That night, we window shopped on Lincoln Road, shared a fancy pants dinner at an outdoor cafe with Melissa and Dan (who we did not take any pictures with because we must have been having too much fun), stopped for a chocolate fudge treat and said our goodbyes before arriving back at our art deco room on Collins Avenue.
The next morning, we shared breakfast in bed, loaded up the car and took the scenic route back to the highway. This allowed us to locate the actual apartment building where one of our favorite TV characters "lives". We parked, and the snuck along the hedges to snap some photos as evidence that we'd visited the home of Dexter Morgan. Talk about the perfect ending! Don't be jealous, Amy and Brandon. (Hehehe.)
Posted on 9:52 PM
Perhaps it’s not simply other peoples’ perception that I’ve turned into a mom and become a bore. Maybe I have been one lately, not that I don’t have the best excuse, but still... I haven’t even been able to think of much to write about and if you know me at all, you know that’s a strange occurrence. The best blog idea I’ve had in months was about all the pet hair I found inside the cuff of a pair of my dress pants. Don’t worry, I didn’t write about it, nor will I. As Harvey Danger sang, “If you’re bored, then you’re boring,” and I have been (when not busy with family). Sometimes, I am so focused on my boys at home, that I’ve had little time to notice… but there are other times when it’s blindingly obvious, like when my mind wanders from the work piling up on my desk, while sitting in my car at traffic lights and that hour or two between when Jackson goes to bed (the first time) and when I begin to fall asleep on the couch while Jason’s at work. Honestly, I can’t blame it completely on moving an hour away from my friends. Part of it really is me. Until a few days ago, I’d completely stopped listening to music at the office since my iPod died and my new one won’t sync to my computer. I decided to take a chance and stream indie music from the internet and have slowly started to feel my spirit rise. Sometimes you don’t fully realize how important something is to you until you’ve let it go and you take the time to rediscover it. Sure, my profile page is filled with “music this and music that, blah, blah, blah,” but I wrote all that years ago and have only modified it slightly as time has passed. I never in a million years would have thought that it would be something that became out of sight, out of mind… but it kind of did. While I feel it in my core that Jason and Jackson should take priority in my life, my temporary distance from music has frightened me and I know that I cannot lose myself completely in them. My existence feeling stagnant is temporary and once the baby begins sleeping through the night on a regular basis, I know I’ll feel less run down. Meanwhile, in addition to Jackson’s rock-a-bye baby cds (renditions of U2, The Beatles and Coldplay in lullaby format), I’m once again discovering new bands and falling in love with old songs all over again. The girl who once listened to her music collection on party shuffle 24 hours a day, during sleep, drives and work… is not that far removed from where I am now. Instead of staring out the window at the ocean and wondering why I’m bored, I’m catching up on some files and focusing on my work to the beat of bands like Klaxons, White Rabbits, Delta Spirit and (ironically) Office. At the same time, the notes have been stirring my heart strings and reminding me of the reasons why I fell in love with Jason… and why I’ve always had so much fun with my friends. Music has always been the glue that pieced the people and events in my life together… and as I danced around the room to Clap Your Hands Say Yeah while getting Jackson ready for his bath the other night, I saw how happy it made him, too. Part of me can’t wait for him to be old enough to take to his first rock concert… but until then, I think Jason’s got an acoustic gig at a local bar coming up and I also have a show at The Social to look forward to tomorrow night. I’m so anxious to be front row to live music again after being on a half year hiatus… and it’s going to feel flipping fantastic to stop being such a snore!
Posted on 9:52 PM
There were certain things I expected to learn as I entered parenthood including having more patience, giving more affection, how to function with no sleep, diaper changing, accomplishing daily tasks one handed and all things related to baby care. All of these lessons have schooled me over the last five months and many of them, I am still trying to master. There are other things though... things that I did not anticipate, but am beginning to accept.
As I've started to build my own family, my unrelated "family" built of friends has split off into various categories. Some have shown me that my purpose in their lives was simply being someone who was fun to do things with, so long as the events were something they were interested in anyway. Some have shown me that the step I've taken forward in life no longer fits in with where they're headed. Some have shown me extra support and acknowledged that they love me as a person, regardless of changes, and don't need me to do things for them or with them in order to maintain our friendship. This blog is not about that last group. Having a baby has taught me a lot about perspective and what I should value most.
I've always said that a friendship bears many similarities to romantic relationships and I see now that there are also parallels in the way that either can end. Some simply taper off, slowly without much fuss or drama as two people grow apart until contact just stops (once the person holding on gives up). Others explode with angry words and end abruptly with one person or both deciding to never speak again. Recently, I've thought about some of my past friendships, how they ended and why. Despite nostalgia that sneaks up on me when I hear a certain song or see a familiar place, I've convinced myself that it was all for the best. Having a son, who will soon enough be very receptive and impressionable, I know that I'd want to keep as many negative influences away from him as I could. Also, if I've distanced myself from certain people over the years because I just didn't want them in my life anymore... it's hard for me to be upset with anyone for doing the same to me now that I'm a mother living in a different city. Surprisingly, Jackson is helping to teach me to be more ok with letting go, in addition to what to hold on to. For years, I've "freaked out" when I thought I was losing someone I loved (and while it's understandable after a past filled with abandonment), I think I'm starting to be a little better about it now. While it's sad that there will always be people who think about me a lot less then I think about them... and there will be others who now see me a boring parent who can't go out and have fun with them anymore... I cannot control how others feel about me. I have begun to accept that sometimes when people decide that they don't need you anymore, it doesn't matter what you'd been through together or what promises you may have made, it doesn't matter how many common interests you share, it doesn't even matter if you owe each other money or favors or still have mutual friends... when they're done with you, they're just done. Trying to hold people back when they're trying to move forward without you is selfish, regardless of what you think they might "owe you" or what you want or deserve... and I'm just now beginning to realize that. Additionally, why would anyone with any amount of self worth chase after someone who didn't value or respect them anymore? Of course, not all friendships come to an end after a significant life change. Some just evolve into something different... and if that change means that they just want to downgrade the intensity of the friendship and want to be involved in my life on a less than regular basis, I have to learn to be ok with that, too. Accepting people for what they actually are instead of what I want them to be or what their potential may be is something I've always stuggled with... and I'm fairly certain I've written about it before.
Luckily, I have a little boy and a future husband who, unlike friends, offer a more permanent relationship... and having that stability in life makes the uncertainty of friendship much easier to handle. Where did all of this come from? For one, I just got tired of wasting time being sad about people who probably haven't given me a single thought lately when I've got so much going on in my own life... and secondly, I've been thinking about who really needs to be invited to my wedding. It's amazing how a five month old child and something as simple as a seating chart for a reception can force you to open your eyes, evaluate and reconsider the people you know.
Posted on 9:51 PM
I wrote briefly about finding beauty in my new surroundings a little while back and from nine stories up, the shoreline and bridge view is still breathtaking. I think all cities sparkle from several hundred feet high, though. Things can appear differently once you've got your feet on the ground. Once again, I find myself missing Orlando. I miss being near small and large concert venues where many of my favorite bands play. I miss the extensive variety of eateries with new foods to try. I miss being within walking distance of Lake Eola and it's near weekly festival and events in the park. Most of all, I miss having easy access to my friends. While most of my free time is devoted to Jason and Jackson, there are still times when I wish I could pack the baby in the car and just go hang out with someone for an hour or two when Jason is at work... but that's such a big production when an hour drive is involved. Mostly though, I feel lonely at lunch time. I really took for granted the fact that I could just meet up with Ames, Maribel or Jay on any given day at the Irish Pub downtown for a chat to break up the work day. For the past two and a half months, I've had only one lunch break companion. Together, we'd escape from the mountains of files and the ringing phone and hide out in the locked bathroom suite for at least 30 minutes each day. He kept me company as I replied to text messages and surfed the web from my phone and listened with hypothetically empathetical (imaginary) ears to conversations I'd have with my mother. Sadly, Wilson is not with me today. The wells have run dry so to speak, so I left him at home for the first time. Like Tom Hanks, I am lost without my silent compadre. I feel as empty as the Tupperware bowl sitting in front of me with nothing to do with the remaining 30 minutes of my lunch hour but to write this blog entry in my email window, saving it to be posted later. The office is silent... but in my head I'm crying out, "Wilson... Wilson!!!"
Posted on 9:50 PM
I honestly cannot remember how Jason and I discovered the television show that I'm about to describe. It's on CMT and hosted by Tom Arnold, so you wouldn't think it would be something found on our DVR. However, My Big Redneck Wedding is fast becoming a weekly favorite. I think after watching nearly ten episodes of it, my once upon a time dream of a Vegas wedding seems a lot less trashy. However, Jason still won't budge on that and we're currently locating local venues and getting ready to make appointments for viewing and pricing. That's right… a save-the-date magnet will be in your near future. Until then, I will have to struggle with Jason to prevent him from stealing ideas from the show. Previous to becoming a fan, I don't think Jason put much thought into whether or not he'd like to write his own vows. Of course now, he cracks up laughing at the thought of quoting such gems as, "On this day, I thee wed. I love you more than garlic bread," and "I'm so happy you're gonna be my wife, I love you more than my Ginsu knife." Yup… those are real, I'm not making this up. Other favorite moments include a guy who collected raccoon penises (because they're made of ivory… see, you learn something new every day) and wanted one on every table as part of the centerpieces… the couple who tried to write "Just Hitched" upside down on the trunk of their car because they wanted to drive off a ramp and flip it over after saying their I do's, but messed up and put the "C" upside down and backwards… the jello shot wedding cake… the beer can wedding cake… a septic tank company owner who passed out "poop-ons" (coupons for service) at his reception… a groom who put on the new white wife-beater he planned to wear for the ceremony and had his friends draw a bow tie and buttons on it with a sharpie while he was complaining to them, "I don't want it to be too formal"… the bride who had her husband-to-be's driver's license polyurethaned into a belt buckle as a wedding present (so he wouldn't loose it at the bar)… and the couple who reserved a camper for their wedding night with a sign above the door that read, "Honeymoon Sweet". Again, I'm not making this stuff up. While I'm glad that the show is helping Jason and I get in the spirit of planning our own big day… I'm a little afraid of his love of themes and the danger that now exists thanks to rednecks across the county just dying to get on TV. So, my dear friends… if while discussing our future plans you hear Jason saying anything along the lines of "homemade iced tea fountain", "mud wrestling" or "toilet seat horseshoes" please let me know so that I can smack him.
Posted on 9:49 PM
This year's holiday season seemed to have a theme… and I'm not making reference to the Miami theme of our annual Christmas party. We watched Home Alone while trimming the tree, Catch Me If You Can with the parents Christmas night and sat through Valkyrie at the theatre the day after Christmas. The first two are obvious depictions of theft and the third had more to do with lies and deception within the Nazi party. I can't say that Tom Cruise's performance moved me one way or the other, but the first two DVD Christmas classics typically always give me the warm fuzzies despite the breaking & entering and check fraud. What caused the exact opposite of a case of holiday cheer was the real life criminal activity that I encountered on the Monday prior to Christ's birthday.
My first mistake was hiring a part time nanny to care for Jackson via an ad on Craigslist. Even though I met her back in October, found her to be sweet, cheerful and wonderful with children… and even though I had my previous employer run a background check on her before finding out I was laid off from work… it was still a very bad choice. Anyway, I had to postpone hiring her until my first day at my present job on December 8th. With Old Man Winter causing work to be slow for Jason, we only needed her for about 7 hours, two days a week. Things seemed to be going well. She showed up at the house early so that Jason could leave the baby in her care while he got ready and left for work and then waited for me to get home to give me updates of how many times Jackson ate, got a diaper change and slept. She lived less than 2 minutes away in an apartment with her 4 year old son and boyfriend. Given the fact that she could walk to our house and only needed part time cash to supplement what her boyfriend brought home (or so she said), it seemed like the perfect situation. Since our first meeting in October, she apparently found out she was pregnant again. Knowing financial struggle all to well, the new mother in me wanted to reach out and help her family. In addition to paying her $50 a week for her services, I gave her a ton of unused diapers and clothing that Jackson had grown out of. I talked to Jason about giving them a gift card for Christmas. By the end of the second week, something didn't feel right. Suddenly, the boyfriend was stopping by to eat lunch with her on our couch while Jackson was left alone in his crib. She started bringing her 4 year old with her. She was rushing out to leave before I'd barely gotten through the door at 5:15. I'd noticed that a white gold necklace with a tanzanite stone was not in my jewelry box. I'd worn it recently and thought that perhaps I'd taken it off somewhere due to the baby latching onto anything he could get his hands on… or maybe he'd grabbed the chain, breaking it and I'd find it on the rug one day while cleaning. I didn't think much of it at first. Then, I was getting ready for work the Monday before Christmas and opened my jewelry box with the intention of wearing my opal Kabana necklace when I realized that was missing as well. Frantically, I took inventory. Four necklaces (with their respective pendants) and a ring were gone. Each piece had diamonds, all were gifts from my mother and none of it was cheap. My heart sunk. I did not want to believe that someone I trusted, someone I wanted to help… may have stolen from me. I went to work and decided not to alert Jason right away. This was the first day of the nanny's third week. We didn't have anyone else to watch the baby and I didn't want Jason to worry and stay home, skipping some of his client's landscaping because of it. Jason needed to go to work. We needed the money. Plus, I wanted to talk to this woman myself. Shortly before lunch time I received a text message from Jason asking if I'd taken all of the cash out of his wallet. Crap. This was the nail in the coffin. It had to be the nanny. Reluctantly, I texted him back about the jewelry and told him that I'd confront her that night. Then I called the police department and scheduled a visit from an officer around the time I'd be arriving home from the office.
After a sickening day of planning my speech and being upset over what I'd have to do, I pulled into the driveway and opened my front door. I put a halt to the routine baby update from the nanny and said that I needed to ask her about something. She said if it was about watching Jackson after her own baby was born, then she hoped we would let her. Instead I told her that there was no easy way to bring up the subject, so I simply advised that some jewelry was missing out of my jewelry box. She acted shocked. She asked how that ever could have happened. I asked her if she'd let anyone in the house while we weren't home or if she'd left the house unlocked for any amount of time in which someone we didn't know could have entered. Her answer was no. I then let her know that an officer would be stopping by to take statements from both of us since she was in the house when this most likely happened… and within 30 seconds of the words coming out of my mouth, a policeman walked through the door, followed by Jason. The officer was polite to everyone, sensed that I was uncomfortable and took over the situation. He advised the nanny that she could not leave until he'd gotten everyone's statements despite her excuses, pleas and emotional outbursts. After questioning me privately, he returned his attention to the nanny, letting her know she was a suspect and reading her the Miranda Rights. As he questioned Jason about the money missing from his wallet, the nanny tried to talk to me. She said she couldn't believe that we thought it was her. She began to cry and say she was having contractions. Suddenly, she claimed her son needed his medication and she called her mother to pick her up. Then she asked for her pay for the day. I explained that the cash Jason was going to pay her with was missing from his wallet. She said she couldn't believe that we weren't going to pay her and that we were horrible for depriving her of much needed money. She told us she'd be by the next day to collect her $25. On her way out of the door, she tearfully exclaimed that she couldn't believe what we were accusing her of and once her name was cleared, she wanted an apology from me. Jason did not allow her to say goodbye to Jackson. Then the officer explained what would happen next regarding my case being assigned to a detective and eventually getting a call from someone once information was obtained. He also advised us that we didn't have to pay her the $25.
Much to my surprise, the officer was on my doorstep the next evening with photos from a surveillance camera at a local pawn shop revealing the nanny pawing my jewelry and actual photos of all of my missing jewelry. For over $2,000 worth of my white gold, the pawn shop gave her $200. They had her name, driver's license and fingerprint on file along with a log sheet of all the jewelry she'd been pawning since early October. The day she pawned my jewelry was December 8th… her first day on the job! She had the audacity to return to our house four more times and lie to our faces. I was astounded. I then informed the officer that something else was missing, but I hadn't noticed at first because this item was not in my jewelry box. Instead, the brand new wedding band (that I'd never worn) was in its ring box with price tags still attached was hidden behind my make up on a shelf in the master bathroom. The ring and its box were gone. We reviewed the pawn shop log and it was not among the items pawned. There were two different wedding rings on the list in October, but she hadn't been in my house at that time. I had little hope of getting my ring back, but I gave the officer a photo of it anyway. He promised to look for it. Then he explained that in order to get my other jewelry back from the pawn shop, I'd have to pay the $200 that they gave to the nanny so they wouldn't loose out on the money. Once she goes to court for the charges of grand theft and dealing in stolen goods, the judge will order her to pay me back. In addition to never seeing my wedding band again, I didn't harbor much hope for restitution, either. At least the rest of my jewelry was found and it was on hold by the police department… so there were no worries about it being sold to someone else while I saved up the dough.
Christmas and our selection of themed holiday movies came and went… and then the same police officer knocked on my door the night after. As he stepped through the threshold, he held out a ring and asked if it was mine. With a smile, I asked how he found it. He said that he just came from her apartment and she'd been wearing it when she answered the door! She told him that it was her engagement ring, which had been a gift from her boyfriend for Christmas. When asked to produce a receipt and informed that I'd given the officer photos and paperwork on a missing ring that looked a lot like the one on ring finger, she handed it to him and said, "Just take this and tell her it's hers." Of course, she was then presented with all of the evidence against her which caused her to break down and write a confession. As the officer was writing up another form to add my lost and found wedding band to the case information, he handed me her confession and remarked that I'd probably get a kick out of it. She wrote that she'd "borrowed" the jewelry to pawn to pay her rent and had intended on getting it back from the pawn shop once she had the money. She stated that she "didn't have the heart to pawn the wedding ring" and planned to return it with the rest of the jewelry. Nowhere did her confession state that she was sorry for stealing, but she did end by saying that she was sorry she was not able to return the jewelry to my jewelry box before I noticed it was missing. I scoffed at the page full of lies. The officer informed me that she did not put the jewelry on hold, but actually sold it and told the pawn shop employee that she'd just broken up with her boyfriend and was getting rid of everything he'd given to her. Then there's the fact that she couldn't have had intended to return my wedding ring because she got rid of the box, removed the tag and was wearing it as her own. Part of me wants to get rid of the tainted ring… but now that the tags are gone and it's become used instead of brand new, I wouldn't be able to sell if for what it's worth. Hopefully one day when I do wear that ring, I'll look down at it and think of what a funny story it has rather then remember the fact that a liar who broke my trust wore it on her thieving finger for two weeks.
All in all, justice will be served. Being a mother of two young children, I assume the judge will give her probation or community service instead of throwing her in jail. If I'm lucky, I might see my $200 back someday. Maybe whomever she was stealing from in October and November will be reunited with their missing jewelry, too. Who knows? All I can say is that I don't feel victimized or hurt… but I am disappointed that I was taken advantage of and lied to by someone I trusted with my son's life. I thought I was a good judge of character, but perhaps my desire to help someone in need skewed my intuition. I almost regret giving her Jackson's things… just thinking about how she thanked me and acted like everything was fine is infuriating… but it's not her baby's fault. Speaking of, I left out the part about how the night of the initial accusations put her under so much stress that she went into labor that night and had the baby early. It was a boy. He'll have free diapers and plenty of clothes for the first month… and a mother with Grand Larson on her record forever. On a final note, this morning she called me again and left me a voicemail, but this time it wasn't about the $25 I owe her. This time it was to cry about how sorry she was for "the most stupid mistake of her life" and about how fearful she is of loosing her kids. She's not sorry for what she did. She's just sorry she got caught.
When I tell Jackson about his first Christmas, I may leave out some details. Instead, I'll share with him how we were surrounded by the love of friends and family and show him pictures of the toys and clothes he received… but more importantly, emphasize how lucky we were to have a happy, healthy baby safe within our arms. With this chapter of life now closed…. I say farewell to an eventful and turbulent 2008 filled with ups and down… and welcome brighter, more hopeful days to come in 2009. (Oh, and along with those brighter days, a new nanny with proper credentials who cares for children in her own home.)
Posted on 9:48 PM
When I moved to Daytona Beach in June, I was adamant about telling coworkers and friends in Orlando that I had no desire to live in Volusia County and that Jason and I would likely move closer to "home" (which is what I've considered Orlando for the past 10 years) as soon as we were able to sell his house. Despite the sometimes aggravating hour commute to and from work while being very pregnant, I clung to my beloved O-town. Continuing to work in the city of my former residence kept me close to my friends who I'd be able to meet up with for impromptu lunch and dinner plans while I was in the area. Then of course, Jackson came into my life and maternity leave began. Since I could rarely take a shower, let alone get out of the house before 5 pm with the new baby requiring all of my attention, I began to loose touch with the city I felt most at home in. Several girlfriends kept in touch well and some even visited on the weekends so that I wasn't completely cut off, but my drives West on I-4 nearly ceased. As regular readers of my blog already know, I was laid-off from my job in Orlando on my first day back to work. In the month that followed, I searched for new employment in all counties within an hour radius, finding legal openings only in the Orlando area. Shortly after receiving a somewhat low paying job offer in Maitland, I was told of a law firm in Daytona Beach that was not publicly hiring, but was looking for a new legal assistant to replace one they were unhappy with. Thanks to Jason's mother's hairstylist's husband who is an attorney, I immediately interviewed and was hired to work at the Daytona office. After dealing with a near financial crisis, I should have been elated to have found work. Sadly, my first thought was that I was officially "stuck" in Volusia… all ties to my former zip code severed. It was not until Monday, my first day on the job, that I began to fully realize how lucky I am. Of course, there are the obvious advantages of saving small fortune on gas money and wear and tear on my car. However, when I arrived home at 5:15 instead of 6:30, it hit me how important an extra hour with my family really is. Little Jackson generally falls asleep between 7:30 and 8:30, so after being away from him for 8 hours, that extra hour with him in my arms is precious beyond words. I never imagined previous to having my son that a person could miss a baby so much. I thought I'd relish the quiet time away from home, but instead I find myself counting the minutes until I can count my little one's tiny fingers and toes again. On a different note, the benefits at this firm are astonishing compared to what was offered at my last office. Health care is free, 401k is free… the benefits are actually beneficial. The people I work directly with are very nice, friendly and easy to get along with. There are some women in the office who gossip loudly all day long and by Friday had given me a headache, but that's a blog for another day. The computer system and organization at my new firm surpasses what I've previously experienced and it's a big office that's been around for a long time, so lay offs are rare, if they happen at all. The other assistants I work with have been with the firm for well over 10 years. As for me personally, my desk is big, I have my own printer, we have an employee who does all of our filing (anyone who's ever worked with me knows how much I hate filing), there is no time clock, free soda (if I drank it, that would be nice), donuts on Fridays and last but not least… my window overlooks the ocean. Ok, it's not my personal window, it's shared, but I've got a clear view from where I sit. Yesterday, I caught myself watching a sailboat gliding across the surf nine stories below me and I thought to myself, "This is beautiful". Then at 5:00 when I was gathering my things to leave, I gazed through my window again at a perfect sunset over the water and thought, "This is REALLY beautiful". Who would have ever guessed that I'd be saying that about this place? Having been spoiled by the crystal clear, turquoise colored ocean and white sand of Miami during countless visits to my mother, I've always put down central Florida beaches. I always thought that I'd be like a New Yorker who hated New Jersey. However, the tides have changed… quite literally. I've been happy with Jason and Jackson, but for the first time I am also happy here in Daytona. My new life is slowly replacing all the bad memories I have from growing up in Volusia County and suddenly I am feeling at home again. I only hope that my friends who live an hour away won't mind coming to visit me sometimes… it's actually a pretty place, once you change your view.
Posts
