Posted on 12:14 AM
Something very strange occurred somewhere between the state lines of Florida and Texas. I may very well have accidentally been sucked into a wormhole as I passed through the torrential rain of Mississippi. That... or the isolation that comes with relocation has put nostalgia into the forefront of my mind. First of all, the new job that brought me to this state is with a company I worked for 10 years ago. A few of the same people are out here at this office, but it's mostly new faces. Still, they say as much as things change, they don't at all. During my initial four year stint with this law firm, I was my boss's mole. My dependable, "do anything for the good of the company" work ethic often put me on the road to our satellite office to train staff and report back as to who was really doing what. Now, there's been a bit of an upheaval in the management structure of my current department. And despite the years that have passed, the training I've had, and the education and experience that advanced me into an executive level salary... I am once again being given the role of: mole. It's not that I have a problem with getting people in trouble who aren't cutting it in the workplace, but I can't help feel that my career has come full circle. Not to mention the fact that I once again see about five people on a regular basis that I used to see all those years ago... which is a bit strange on its own merit. In conjunction with this, the local radio station that I've yet to switch from plays nothing but late 90's and early 2000's alternative. I haven't thought about Incubus, Marcy Playground, Harvey Danger or Tripping Daisy in YEARS. So, for the few minutes before I plug in my iPhone, I get caught up in a wave of musically induced memories during my commutes to work. It could be the music more than the old/new office that has me thinking of the past a lot these days. I've thought about how I used to blog... and literally live to see the comments that I could post rebuttals to, continuing the thread with an entire set of witty banter. I've thought about several friends who I lost touch with for one reason or another. Ok, I've thought a lot about two of them specifically... a lot. Two ladies who once were my blog commenters, and I theirs. Ladies with whom I shared a fantastically absurd sense of humor. One whom I "broke up" with in the course of some very heated emails that spawned from my own insecurities about my love life as it was at the time. The other, I can only assume "broke up" with me, as one day we were in communication and the next we were not. Since moving to this state of desolation, I have thought about reaching out to both of them. Sadly though, my practical side tells me that if a relationship ends, it's for a reason... and one shouldn't go stirring up old messes. That same practical side reminds me that I have several dear friends (even if they are all a thousand miles away), and I should place my focus on staying in touch with them via phone, email... and of course, Facebook. I've thought on this over the course of the last few days and I believe I may just be looking to reconnect with the lost simply because they are familiar, they shared a bond with me that worked for a time... and that is much less frightening that going out and trying to make brand new friends. Especially in this materialistic God-fearing city. I really don't like country music, mini pigs, the mall or getting Botox done (not that I've had it done, but I assume I wouldn't like stabbing poison into my face), and those are the type of people I work with. I am a woman in her thirties who has no idea how to make friends. I used the internet to start a base of a friend circle in 2005 and cultivated it into THE most awesome group of friends ever over the course of the six years that followed. I really like those friends, whether I sought them out or they were a friend of a friend that I eventually stole... and I do not want to try to replace them with some local-yocals just because I don't like to drink alone. Two people have suggested that I join a meet-up group of some sort, but my interests are generally things I like to do solo. I love photography, but I absolutely do not like listening to others talk about theirs or try to critique mine. I enjoy writing, but I'm very protective of my ideas for fear that my original thoughts could be plagiarized. While I can imagine myself enjoying a hike or a canoe trip, I cannot imagine having a lot in common with outdoorsy people. The only reason camping went well in my old friend circle was because we were all kindred spirits with similar music tastes and an appreciation for liquor and beer by campfire... especially when the trip called for a rickety boat trip to a semi-deserted island. We were all the type of people who enjoyed the beach at night more than the day, as evident by our ironically pale Florida skin. I don't know how to find people like that out here... and maybe I don't want to. Because my biggest fear would be forgetting these friends after getting caught up in the lives of any potential new ones. The thought of losing touch with the circle I cherished with every ounce of my heart is likely one of the most terrifying fears I've ever had. Right now, in this moment, I wish I knew where that Mississippi wormhole was... because without hesitation, I would travel back just a few months to get a little more face time with the faces I miss the most.
Posted on 10:50 PM
It's hard to believe that I haven't written a blog in just over a year. I suppose one could say that being too busy to spend personal time on a computer is a good thing, or that a year flying by too quickly to stop to jot down memories is common. I'm not satisfied with either of those two statements. The simple truth is that it was a challenging year... 2011 started of with negativity and nostalgia and delved into uncertainty and dissatisfaction before it began it's upward decent toward a change that was a long time in the making. The main source being being centered around my career. I was wearing too many hats, working too late, too hard and caring too much... for employers that paid me too little and cared about me even less. It was crushing to realize that the organization I had believed in so deeply was riddled with corruption. Oddly enough, a fortune teller at our "roaring twenties" Halloween party told me that I would make a decision in mid-November that would put my career life back on the path it was meant to be. She also said that it would be a major change for my family. Not putting much credence in tarot readers, I didn't think much of it until I received a job offer that paid a bit more for less responsibility... in mid-December. Also, this new job was in Dallas, TX.
My final month in the Sunshine State was a whirlwind of driving, visiting, packing and planning... that lead me to begin 2012 in a new town, a new state and with endless possibilities. Just today, I took an hour long hike on a trail behind my development and made a new friend... a beautiful horse with a scar. For now, I'm not taking my work home with me and I'm focused on regaining my passions in life. Writing will resume soon, via blog and other creative outlets... and my photography already has...
Posted on 11:05 PM
I think that most blogs written around the new year are filled with anticipation and expectations for the future... but this isn't one of those. This new year, I've been thinking about the unfortunate subject of exes. I feel the need to preface this, however, by stating that none of this thinking was intended, on purpose or of my own choosing.
The first scenario involves the ex before the last ex... the "put my heart through a blender ex". Yes, THAT one. I'll try to skip through most of the boring stuff by simply saying that one of the new departments I was put in charge of helping create and install a system workflow for was the department that handles contacting my firm's existing clients who are nearing their contract expiration dates. This means that in order for us to continue representing them, they must sign another contract and pay an additional retainer in order for us to keep working on their case. Another of my new departments that I'm over-seeing is the mail room. Last week, the mail room was charged with mailing out a bulk batch of letters to the type of clients I described above. Upon checking in on the project, I noticed a name and address on an envelope that looked familiar. In the 16 months of working for my current employers, never once did I think of this ex, nor would I have had reason to check to see if he were a client of my law firm. Seeing the envelope led to me look up his electronic file... looking up his electronic file led me to an event that shocked me. On my very fist day on the job, the ex came into my office for the first time to drop off his legal paperwork to initiate legal work on his case. On the exact same day. In case anyone missed that last detail... on the exact same day. This ex once told me that our fates would be forever intertwined and that we'd attend one another's funerals and other dramatic, romantic nonsense. Luckily, I don't believe in fate. However, I do believe in Karma and forging one's path through the choices one makes. It would be unethical for me to disclose the unnamed ex's legal problems due to the fact that several of my most beloved friends (who might actually read this) were stolen from said ex... but I will say that his case probably would have yielded quicker results had someone as high up the chain as myself known about it and gotten involved. Had this ex not lied, cheated on and thoroughly used me... perhaps he could have had a friend to help him when he was truly in need.
The second scenario involves the most recent ex... the "we should have just stayed friends ex". Yes, THAT one. This instance can be detailed with fewer words as it doesn't require a lot of back story (if you've read my last few posts... ha!) It was New Year's Eve and I arrived to the front of a bar I once loved with a party of six, all decked out in hideous 80's prom attire. Two people behind me in this line was the ex and few of his friends (one of which used to be mine, too). Once inside, I waited at the bar to place a drink order while one of my party was approached by the ex who asked if "that was me over there". Now, I know I was covered in purple ruffles, but seriously? Anyway when our mutual friend simply stated yes, his response was "I guess she's mad at me, huh?" Again.... seriously? After that, I began to lose myself in the music, the dance floor... and the vodka. Strange girls I've never met crossed the crowd just to tell me how much they loved my dress. Two of them took pictures with me... I felt like a celebrity. Yes, my dress was that ugly. The night went on and aside from one or two "pretend you just didn't make eye contact" moments, I had a blast. During those brief glimpses toward the bar, I saw the ex texting on his phone and smoking. Said ex had been so proud of himself for quitting when we first became friends and throughout our relationship marveled at the fact that it was the best thing he'd ever done for his health. Beyond that regression, he looked alone... and not exactly sad, but not happy either. This can be a lonely situation for anyone in a crowd on New Year's Eve at midnight.
I suppose the point of this blog is to reflect on what was and what is... I don't take pleasure in other's misfortune and I don't wish for anyone to suffer through any failures or set backs in life. And despite my general nature to want to help those in need, I do not feel pity for these exes, nor would I ever wish them back into my life. However, I do hope that the new year brings them clarity and knowledge that will enable them to change and be good to others... so that their lives will get better, too. As for me, gaining these two little pieces of insight have helped to concrete my belief that the choices I've made have been the right ones. No matter how rough the road may get, I know it always leads to home... to happiness... to my family. Cheers to a new year.
Posted on 9:17 PM
On September 15th, I began writing a blog titled "Contentment with Content" and didn't get past the second line. It was going to be about how my career had taken a creative turn and express my joy over the full and complete transition from paralegal work into operations and web development. As a test run, I used free time to complete two different content writing projects with marketing keyword requirements... and I wrote circles around the crap that had been occupying my firm's web space. It was fun... and I got to use my writing skills... for work! Sadly, my joy was short lived as a professional was hired by one of the partners before my boss, the firm director, even had the chance to review my sample work. While I was disappointed, it tuned out to be a blessing in disguise. Since then, I've worn so many hats, I've got permanent, imaginary hat-hair. Until last week, I filled in as HR and Recruiting Manager... until I finally helped hire an HR Director. In between conducting a gazillion job interviews, I was also bombarded with enough projects under my fairly new "Product & Systems Manager" title to keep me busy enough to completely relinquish all paralegal duties. While I lost the opportunity to get paid for some creative writing, I did get a decent raise to write departmental operating procedures, training guides and study up on how to set up tracking systems in our case management system and write codes for custom reports. The latter parts of my job sent me to a software conference in New Mexico last month where I rubbed elbows with the top execs and brought my boss home some free stuff and new software tricks. All in all, management has stolen most of my free time for social networking, blogging and responding to personal emails... but it suits me (haha, suits me... get it?).
I thought I'd feel bad for selling out, going completely corporate and setting a good example with modest, professional attire... but I don't. I enjoy going to work every day. The six months I tried to work from home were a disaster, as much as I loved spending time with my son; I was a depressing mess. Now though, my little one is the smartest in his class and (as recently observed in a local playground) has learned the social art of politeness over violence. Each day I wonder how I could be more proud of him, and then each day trumps the one before. He loves his teachers and has a girlfriend whom he looks out for, while bossing around the other toddlers and helping the staff clean and organize. Part of me lives for the few hours a night we play and the weekends I devote solely to family... but I can't lie, the other part of me lives to climb the corporate chain. This may make me a suckier friend than I was in previous years, but I hope they all understand it's from lack of time and not lack of love. Then again, I don't have to hope... my closest friends have been rather busy themselves now that I think about it. Living in my thirties is so much different than my twenties, which was expected... but there are so many things I didn't see coming. I never thought I'd go more than a week without talking to those I considered best friends and I never thought I'd be so inconsiderate as to delay responses to texts and emails for hours, let alone weeks! I just hope all the thirty-somethings in my circle slow down enough to enjoy some of the things we used to... before we're... eeek... forty-somethings.
Posted on 9:18 PM
Today was exactly one month since this woman's "man's best friend" left our world for greener pastures. It was a tough day and it's been a tough month. The new career path has distracted me so much so that the last 30 days went by in a flash, time pausing only during travels to South FL on the weekends to visit a grandmother who wouldn't remember that I'd been there. As if losing my beloved pet of nearly 12 years wasn't bad enough, I came close to losing my racist, German grandmother, as well... who suffered a stroke the day after. Seeing her in such a sad state brought about conflicting feelings about how we're quick to allow a doctor to euthanize a dog or a cat when they're just too old to have any more fun, but our relatives have to wither away in hospital beds until they're merely a shell of what you remember them to be. I don't really want to harp on that too much... not now anyway. My grandmother hasn't kicked the bucket yet, but my house is one dog down. This entry is for Hershey... sometimes known as Hershey Kisses... other times as Hershey Squirts:
I wanted a puppy for Christmas in 1999. What I got was demon spawn. Having always adopted strays and shelter rejects, I knew that letting a 6 month old Dalmatian (saved from death row at the Animal Control office) into my life was going to be trouble. However, I didn't expect her to consume an entire power drill, seven shoes and approximately 70% of the molding and trim of my house. Nor did I expect her to simultaneously growl at me and pee puddles the size of lakes, on my new carpet, at least five times a week. After about eight months, I put an ad in the paper and shortly thereafter drove her to a farm in Kissimmee in the pouring rain late one Friday night. As I sat looking at her in my passenger seat in some stranger's driveway, I knew she was my dog... for better or worse... till death do we part. I promptly backed up and headed home, never looking back. As my reward, Hershey decided to turn over a new leaf and become the world's best behaved dog upon her second birthday. After that, she went everywhere with me, she went to parties, she slept in a dog bed next to mine and became a fixture in my life. My friends generally expected her when they invited me over and a few threatened to steal her away from me. She was genuinely loved by all. When my friend Brian died of brain cancer a couple of years later, she allowed me to blow my nose into her fur for hours after collapsing in the middle of my tiled dining room floor. She never moved, she never wavered, she was there for me. And so it was for us. Whenever I came home from work late, she was there, patiently waiting to go for a walk and eat dinner. She adapted to all the changes in my life, moving from house to house, apartment to apartment, every year. Eventually I grew up... and she started to grow old. We moved to Daytona, I had a baby, we had a family. She was never jealous of my son. She was concerned about every cry or whimper from his mouth. She allowed him to lean on her as he was learning to stand on his own. She stood still as he grabbed her muzzle and kissed her nose. Even as her health declined, she remained as sweet and loyal as she'd been the past 10 years. As much as I miss her, the one thing that still causes me to break down in tears is the thought that my son won't remember her. She was the best single woman's dog I could have asked for, but an even better family dog... I just had a family a little too late for her. Holding her in my arms at the vet's office as the light left her eyes was the single most horrible thing I've ever had to do... I could barely get the words out to thank her for being such a good dog. I don't know when I'll be ready to bring another dog into our home. What I do know is that I'll have Dalmatian spots on my heart forever... and maybe one day they'll stop being so painful.
Posted on 9:07 PM
I have not written a work related blog in a while... at least not the kind I used to write. This is mainly due to the fact that my current job is far more stressful than any of my previous ones. This is partly due to the high volume of files the firm has been taking in as a result of the crazy amount of marketing that's been raking in the clients and the money (for the higher ups anyway). In the past, I had spare time... now, I barely even have lunch time. The other part that lends to stress is the lack of organization and experience of the lower level supervisors recently promoted due to seniority. Eight new employees were hired to get the paralegals out of the current rut of backlogged and overdue tasks... but absolutely nothing has been accomplished. I must be a glutton for punishment because I've learned over the years that if you point out efficiency problems in a business and offer up viable solutions that will likely lead to success, the boss will make you do it. Knowing this, I went to my boss with a list of things being done wrong and suggestions on how to do them better. Starting tomorrow I think I may have gotten myself promoted to manager of procedures, system updates and employee training for the entire litigation department. I hope I don't miss being a paralegal and hopefully I have some idea of what I've gotten myself into... but while I wait to see how this all pans out, I will now present some lighthearted aspects from my office that make the stressful times more bearable:
This is a list of verbatim quotations overheard between one of our mail clerks (let's call her "Barbie") and one of our data entry clerks (let's call him "Ken"):
Ken: “What do you think of that new movie that’s coming out in 3D?”
Barbie: “What movie?”
Ken: “It’s called Clash Of The Titans. It looks wicked!”
Barbie: “Well, if it has the word ‘Titan’ in it, I’m probably not going to be interested.”
Ken: "Why are you acting so stressed?"
Barbie: "Why?! Why am I so STRESSED, Ken?! Why is the water blue? Why is the sky… wet… blue? I’m stressed because you ask me such stressful questions!"
Barbie: “When you start to see pigs flying again, you’ll know to stop being such a butt-head!”
Barbie: “I am Barbie. I am what I do.”
Barbie: "I want to go to Puerto Rico so that I can steal a black bear and take it home."
Barbie: "I want to buy a Ducati and paint it canary yellow." (For those that don't know, a Ducati is an extremely expensive motorcycle known for its red color.)
Barbie: "A dog in New Mexico got into a street/dog gang fight and then walked into an ER at the local hospital. The doctors stitched the the dog up and then called the owner to have him picked up. It's strange that the dog would know where to go to get treatment."
Posted on 9:45 PM
When I was young and single, I blogged almost every day. I had a cake walk of a job and I blogged on the clock between tasks just to pass the time. I thought that surely now that my baby was a toddler who sleeps 11 hours straight on a set schedule, I'd have no excuse not to write weekly entries. Well, I had good intentions... and like with so many other things, I also had poor follow through.
I've been feeling tired and old and maybe a little stressed and depressed, too. They should have a class in high school called Adulthood Truth 101. No one told me that becoming a mom sucked the life force right out of you. No one told me that your 30th birthday was a switch that flicked from "able to stay up all night" to "asleep on the couch by 10 p.m." No one told me that when your twenties were over, they were REALLY over. Each day that passes, more of your individuality, creativity, interests, tastes in music, art, books & movies... is buried... buried underneath debates over child rearing techniques, Excel spreadsheets and office politics, Nickelodeon and pet vomit stained carpet.
But it's not all bad and it's not all sad. Maybe I am conforming to the masses and participating in generic small talk in the break room... but a lot of the time I'm happy and content. The massive, drunken parties and loud, blurry nights on the dance floor certainly aren't missed. They served their purpose at the time and I have some fond memories of when a few friendships began. Though now I see photos of single people participating in the very same activities that once consumed my weekends and I know that they're searching for their own versions of happiness... maybe even hoping to obtain what I now have: family. Each time I share smiles with my overly joyous little boy, I wonder how I'd ever lived without him... and wonder how those who've yet to experience the love of their own child could even know that love exists. I do not miss being stuck in the phase of life where all the group activities begin to blur together as the artificial happiness of alcohol wears thin and the fear of a future alone haunts the closet of your one bedroom apartment. I do, however, sometimes miss dropping everything to hit up an indie rock show, on a work night, with no intention of sleeping more than three hours. I miss stumbling upon new music on the inter-webs, downloading everything I could find, falling in love with no less than 12 new songs a week and being the provider of tunes to my friends. I miss spending all day alone, wandering the streets and snapping photos with no plan of where I'd end up, when I'd eat or if that day's photography would even be worth printing and not caring. I miss creating new recipes and cooking meals for group DVD night. Hell, I just plain miss my friends in general. I can't even find the time to set up a Skype chat once a month or attempt more than a 10 minute phone call to anyone. And while I miss these things terribly, I wouldn't trade them for the anticipation of sharing some of these things with my little one when eventually, he's not so little.
Maybe the only new songs I know from bands I love are the ones featured on Yo Gabba Gabba and maybe I'm working too hard at my job... but I'm doing everything for my son because dedicating every ounce of my being to showing him that he's the most important thing I've ever had is helping me conquer my biggest fear in life... which isn't ending up alone or losing myself or becoming old... no, mine has always been that genetics, fate, or some other force would cause me to end up like my parents: selfish, distant, absent, unsupportive and unable to fully enable positive growth in others. I suppose the long and the short of it is that my child, less than two years of age, has saved me in a way that no other soul on Earth could... and for that I will happily give up everything of my own if it comes to that. Honestly, it's the least I can do. So, I know it's only human to sometimes get a little down, but having written this reminder to myself will be helpful in the process of picking myself up by my bootstraps and finding the motivation I've lately lacked in taking charge and getting things done when I'm off the clock. If I can kick butt at work, I can do it at home and anywhere else... 1,2,3, go!
Posted on 10:35 PM
What I am posting here tonight was originally contained in a thank you card I never sent. For a person who spent a large portion of life putting others first... mainly friends due to the absence of family... my recent extreme levels of procrastination have been detrimental to my character and my belief in myself as being a decent person. This change in my nature has rattled me and I've felt the weight of my self-absorption pulling me toward depression for months. The Universe has decided to save my self worth by a
very fine thread while simultaneously delivering a harsh reminder that time is, indeed, short. What I may be most saddened by is by the fact that it often takes extreme measures to snap us back to reality and to the realization of what we may have forgotten and/or have taken for granted.
My grandfather emailed me nearly two weeks ago to inquire as to why I had not yet emailed him photos from my wedding and to ask why he hadn't heard from me in nearly a month. One day passed after another, each one filled with the repetitive tasks of waking early, commuting to a stressful job, commuting back in a rush to pick up my son from school before they closed, a precious 90 minutes of baby care and bedtime routine, a half-hearted dinner and falling asleep on the couch. I was barely allowing any quality time for my new husband, let alone myself... and keeping in touch with loved ones living outside my household had fallen by the wayside. This past Friday night, after a long week and after my little one was asleep, I forced myself to log into my computer while Jason made dinner. At 8:00 p.m. I wrote a short email to my grandfather explaining how I'd been busy, apologizing for my delay, enclosing a link to the photos, saying "Love you" and ending with the post-script that I had a thank you card for him, but had yet to buy a stamp to post it. Shortly before 8:00 a.m. the next morning, my grandfather died of heart failure.
While I felt some gratitude to the Forces-That-Be upon learning that he had read my email before he went to bed and shown the photos to my grandmother... I couldn't help but beat myself up for all the things I could have said...
should have said... but didn't take the time to. And so... my thank you card sentiment will be metamorphosed into a eulogy that I will read tomorrow afternoon at a small church in Gainesville:
Dear Grandpa,
I told you that you cleaned up well on my wedding day, but I just wanted to tell you again that you looked great and I was very appreciative that you went through the trouble of buying a new suit just for the occasion. Speaking of being appreciative, I want you to know that it meant the world to me that you stepped in to "give me away". I know part of you may have felt that your son should have played the role of my father on my big day... but honestly, you were the man for the job. You took me in when I was a baby and provided me with a family foundation that is undoubtedly one of the reasons that I turned out as successful in life as I have. Many of my fondest childhood memories are from our house up in Harrington Park and I look forward to the day when my baby... your great-grandson... can enjoy one of your famous "minute eggs" for breakfast. Behind all the jokes and sarcasm over the years, the nature of which must be in our blood, has always been a genuine kindness and caring. You always showed me that you were interested in my life just in the little things you did (like saving me old cameras you'd found for my vintage collection). I guess I just wanted to let you know that this had not gone unnoticed since life sometimes puts distance between us and I'm not always the best at sharing my feelings in person (something else that must run in our family)... but most of all, I also wanted to make sure you knew that I am very proud to be your granddaughter. Thank you again for saying yes when I asked you if I could have your arm, to walk down the isle.
I wouldn't have wanted anyone else to do it.
Love always,
Tanya
Posted on 8:00 PM
I have had an entry building up inside my mind for weeks now, but several things prevented me from putting fingertip to keyboard. While I feel somewhat bad for my new era of blogging getting off to such a sluggish start, I must say that I've ignored other websites nearly as well. First, I was intent on finishing the mammoth new King novel within a two week time frame because I'd agreed to participate in a long distance "media club" with a dear old friend of mine who moved away to Texas. Out of all my friends, he was always the one who matched opinions with me on nearly every album, book, TV series or movie, so being able to reconnect with my fellow Stephen King fan was the first highlight of 2010. We were set to read up to certain chapters, stopping on the weekend to write email book reports on what we thought so far and offer predictions for the coming pages. Due to the fact that I only had a few late nights to myself a week and my little one keeping me on my toes all weekend, I dedicated pretty much all of my free time to reading and didn't so much as sit in my computer chair. Last Friday night I finished it. Then things went down hill. The doctor called it "daycare-itus," but I called it the worst head cold known to mankind. All three of us were down for the count for well over a week and my poor little boy received antibiotics for the very first time in his 16 months of existence. On top of all that, my office began the process of relocating downtown and the mad rush to catch up work and prepare made the job all the more stressful. Add these things together and you get Tanya asleep by 9:00 p.m. every night. However, I'm back now... and I have stamps to buy, belated cards to send, a solid 20 emails to reply to... and of course, this blog to write.
The book that I just finished reading was called Under The Dome. Without offering up any spoilers, I can tell you that it was about a small town in Maine (surprise, surprise) that mysteriously becomes encapsulated by a dome of unknown origin. Unlike some of King's other stories, the monsters aren't so much supernatural entities, but rather human beings who begin to turn on one another after being closed off from the world and have taken sides. Remind anyone of Lord of the Flies? Well, take it a step further and throw in all sorts of adult authority and then guess how long it takes for people's civility to unravel. It was a suspenseful and riveting read... and on that note, I must say that real life is nowhere near as entertaining. About the time I embarked on my synchronized reading project, a fellow paralegal at my firm was promoted to "Head Paralegal". This event has become known in my very small circle (of just 3 or 4) as "The Rising". Since then, the laid back and independent atmosphere that I enjoyed so much has been threatened into extinction. I won't tell you how long it took for a fictional town in Maine to come completely unhinged, but I will tell you that it took my law firm approximately 3 weeks. It's been every employee for themselves lately and moving the office to a new building in downtown Orlando was the icing on the cake. Tomorrow morning will be my first commute with the additional 20 minutes tacked on and I dread the thought of the open floor plan I've heard the bosses raving about. Do I want to see my neighbor pick their nose and hear every word of every phone call? I miss my closed in office already... I'd even trade the new view of Lake Eola for my old one of I-4 if I could. Perhaps it won't be so bad. Perhaps I've just read SO much King over the years that I just expect "The Rising" to end horrifically with a massive death toll and bloodstained floors. Perhaps... but I've never witnessed any good coming from promoting from within just because a person has been there the longest and possesses no actual management training or skills, either.
Posted on 8:30 PM
A while back I wrote about one perspective I have on spirituality, namely energy transference. In that entry I wrote about how energy cannot cease to exist, that it must always change into something else. I went into detail using examples as small as how the caffeine in your morning coffee turns into that burst of energy that gets you through to lunch time... and onto larger issues like how your life force/soul has to go somewhere once your body expires. (Ten bonus points to whomever knows the title and date of that one!) I've always tried to explain my own beliefs while telling others that science and religion go hand in hand. Each can explain things that the other cannot, but while taking different avenues to get there, they arrive at the same conclusion: there is something out there bigger than us.
Quote: "Science and religion are not at odds. Science is simply too young to understand."
I somewhat recently watched part of a documentary that featured an interview with the top astronomer[*] at the Vatican. It was an interesting segment to say the least. While it's true that religion as a whole has existed long before science, it is also true that science has existed much longer than most of the Christian based denominations that surround us today. I don't mind one bit that people with a variety of points of view all want to explain what's out there in the great beyond... in fact, I love it. I'll listen intently to anyone's theory in hopes that I'll learn something new... if not about the Universe, at least about them as a person. What bothers me is the level of offense people tend to take when encountered with an extremist of one side or the other. Yes, I will admit that any human being claiming that they are 100% certain that they are correct as to what God is (or isn't) is not only pompous, but also undoubtedly wrong due to impossibility... and I'll go one further and say that extremists of any particular thing annoy me, being one who strives for moderation in balance in life. However, as irritated as I might become, I would never think to bash their beliefs, call them stupid or throw snide and sarcastic remarks their way. It pains me when I see others doing so. It is baffling to me that those scoffing at another for sharing their beliefs do not see (or care) that their actions are far more offensive because they are doing so knowingly and with malicious intent. As a general rule: If a stranger on a sidewalk approached an individual and asked if they would like to know how to save fifty percent on auto insurance, they'd likely say yes or no in a polite manner and not think much of it. Then why would that same person react completely different to a stranger asking if they'd like to know "how to be saved by God"? Why act so offended and retaliate with rudeness toward that well meaning stranger and/or make fun of them behind later amongst your peers? On that same token, why would a person claiming to follow the teachings of the Bible (who'd likely have no problem listening about auto insurance, either) look down upon and judge someone who followed an Eastern or more scientific belief system? Sticking with my theme of a service represented by cave men and geckos, I'll say that while I would have no problem listening to someone's ideas of what insurance was better and polite even when faced with someone who claimed that their insurance was superior to all other companies... I wouldn't call them names or attempt to point out what an idiot they were just because I didn't agree. I'll admit to an eye roll and some humor upon receiving a gift of children's coloring books about Creationism... but even if my son will not be read those books any time soon because I want him to be able to think for himself before exposure to such information... I still do my best to remain understanding that the gift giver meant no harm and was honestly just giving us a gift. I may not have agreed with the content, but I wasn't upset by it, I didn't lash out and I even said "Thank You". So... I guess my point is that I don't understand why people get so touchy about religious beliefs. It really shouldn't be any different than any other opinion about any other subject that people have... and yet somehow, it is. It makes me a little sad sometimes.
In my perfect little world in my head, people would live a full, balanced and happy life... serving as a good example of whatever faith or non-faith they abided by... and when bumping into a fellow inhabiter of my imaginary utopia, they could freely share what made them so happy in life... and the other listening would simply be happy for them. Maybe that person would then share their opposing view and be greeted by an equal amount of mutual respect and genuine joy in knowing that they both had traveled different paths to end up finding what gave them peace. Oh, what a wonderful world it would be.
For now, I'll just have to put my sorrow for the general population's intolerance for one another's spiritual ideals aside and find some hope in the possibility that right now, somewhere a brilliant mind out there (far more intellectual than myself) is about to prove that anti-matter exists... that everything is created in symmetry... that creation started somewhere and science is a way not to disprove religion, but rather explain it and support it. Sure, some will still take every word of certain books literally and some will refuse to believe that simple coincidence isn't really an explanation of anything... but I'd like to think that creating some sort of union between opposite ends of one debate could bring so many others of on branching variations together as well. I'd love to believe that pulling science and the Powers-That-Be toward one another could help us be a little more accepting, humble and less offended over something as small as a passing word of unlike ideas. Maybe I'm just a little more tolerant because one long time friend has become an Evangelist and another is Buddhist, while another is Jewish and yet another doesn't believe in much outside of turning into worm food... but still, is it too much to ask that people just be nice to one another while we're on this planet? Eventually we'll all find out what lies beyond the end of our lives, but I don't see why it has to be a constant contest of who's going to be right... because quite honestly, either way... I don't think the dead get to gloat.
[*]Author edit: changed astrologer to astronomer. Typo pointed out by Doug.
Posted on 8:34 PM
Here I am in 2010 (pronounced "twenty ten"). It seems strange that the last four years of my life were condensed into 125 blog entries... and even stranger that the first one was so very long ago. Writing about my separation from my longest serious relationship and embarking on new adventures that led to knowing my mother, making real best friends, auto related mishaps, a lost love interest (or two), camping and much, much, much dancing. Then there was a major shift just over one year ago as I began my more recent journey into unemployment and (finally) re-employment, maintaining a house, parenthood, marriage... and I wrote less and less. My Threadless T-shirts began to have more personality than the one wearing them. A few of friends asked me to pick up my old habit of journaling, but it seemed so hard to find the time. Then Facebook came along and made everyone lazy. Why post a thought provoking blog when you could simply overload everyone's newsfeed with a bazillion status updates about what you're doing just to see if anyone "likes" it? A one sentence long status that gets several comments can seem more rewarding than putting 30 minutes of carefully planned typing out there with not so much as a single response. It was this line of thinking that addressed the problem for me. I've gotten away from sending my words out into the interwebs for my own benefit... like so many others, I'd begun doing it for a reaction. Well, the cycle ends here. I was happier when I wrote about all the things I'd found amusing in my daily routine. I was happier when I could sit at my computer, listen to iTunes and vent about what I thought was wrong with the world around me. I was happier when I would review my last week's worth of entries and giggle to myself over how clever I was... for after all, I really am my biggest fan. So... the blog sloth I've become dies tonight. Quite frankly, I've had it with myself.
Just to tie up some loose ends... I suppose I should lament at least a little on the oddity that was 2009. It was equally wonderful and difficult, as seen in the blog archives all listed within "December 2009". To recap: I began with a three month old baby, no job and an hour commute between myself and the majority of my friends. In the middle, I acquired a bit of freelance work, got better at parenting, was informed my mother was dying of cancer and began planning my wedding. Toward the end, I got better at communicating with my soon-to-be husband and grew even closer to him, found a real job, was informed that my mother was a freak of nature (having gone into remission after hard core treatments with a predicted survival chance of less than 40%) and somehow managed to have a picture perfect wedding... with perfect pictures to prove it. The last part wasn't documented very well... but this is the future now, so I'm going with it. Christmas came and went in a blur and hubby and I rang in the new year with cheap champagne and Aliens. Why the second movie and not the first (which is far superior)? Who knows? I think we were supposed to watch Funny People but were too tired to get up and put a DVD in... and Aliens was already on the tube. Meh. They say "all's well that ends well"... so I suppose that's where I ended up... and isn't that all that matters?
In the near future, I expect to lament on friendship and love, resume my office related stories, review random music and/or movie experiences... and on occasion, share parenting tips the way that only I could. I've got some fresh ideas about the Powers That Be, too. Stay tuned, Me. This year's online documentation could prove to be the best material yet for that book I'm supposed to write.
Posted on 10:13 PM
By clicking/viewing "December 2009" in the archive list (located at the top[ish] right of this page), anyone will have access to nearly every blog I had written on MySpace. I omitted a few that were overly tiresome, unremarkable or simply short updates not worth saving.
Starting here, everything will be NEW. I'll address the questions and concerns that some have expressed regarding my mother's cancer situation, update my current employment status... and with a little luck, recapture some of that flair I once felt I had as I shared quirky insights about my life. My New Year's resolution for 2010 is to get back to blogging. Until then, I hope that any boredom you may have while sitting in front of your computer is cured by finding amusement in old entries from 2005 where I reference things like my new awesome technological wonder: the 60 GB iPod photo and this "new site I found called Craig's List". Of course, there's always the naive thoughts I once had about life versus where I am now, which some may find equally amusing... I know I did as I skimmed some of the really old posts during the process of relocating them here. More soon...
Posted on 9:58 PM
I've heard people say that life comes full circle, but I don't think I've
ever heard anyone say that death does, too. I've come to the conclusion
that it most certainly does. I suppose everything does. There really
isn't any way to sugarcoat what I need to write about (and those that
know me, know that purging via typing truly is a necessity). My mother
is dying. I'm angry that the doctors knew how serious it was months
ago, but didn't say a word and let my mother think that all she needed
was a hysterectomy and then it would be more or less taken care of. I'm
angry that they could have started doing something sooner, but they
didn't... and now they want to steal what time she has left with an
aggressive and simultaneous chemo/radiation treatment. She sent her
charts and paperwork to her best friend, the head nurse of an oncology
department up in Pennsylvania. Her friend is going to give her an
honest opinion of her chances. If it's any worse than a 60/40 percent
chance of survival, my mother is going to start traveling and when I
stop receiving post cards, I'll know that she's gone. If it's really
bad odds, she's entertaining the idea of skydiving. This is how my
mother works and while I wish these things were all speculation, they
are facts. In addition to the doctors, I'm angry with my father. He
beat my mother and drove her away before my first birthday. With no
job, no money and no friends in Florida, she asked my grandparents to
take me until she could get her life straightened out. I suppose being
in Miami during the early 80's wasn't the best place to get your act
together, but eventually she did. My father had remarried and I was
five years old when she asked permission to come back into my life and
he refused her, telling her that I thought she was dead. For all the
horrible things he did to me throughout my childhood and for depriving
me of over twenty years of knowing my mother, I am angry. And while
we're on the subject of being angry, I'm pissed as hell at the
universe. People like my father are allowed to continue living,
infecting others with negativity... and my mother, who has only really
known me for about six years, has spent nearly all of it trying to make
up for lost time. I'm just not ready to lose her. It took me so long to
find her and to form a close bond and love her. It isn't fair that I've
already had to watch three loved ones over the course of my adult life
wither away into nothing as a result of cancer... and I just don't want
to let her go. I don't know how I'm going look forward to holidays...
or try to explain to my son about how awesome his grandmother was
because he won't remember her. My mother is fifty years old and dying.
And I'm mad as hell and nowhere near ready to talk about it. So for the
select few that will be able to view this private entry, thank you for
letting me vent in silence for now. It was hard spending the weekend
down in Miami... and when I'm ready, I think I'd like to write more
about that.
Posted on 9:57 PM
So... working from home has been pretty awesome so far. The only problem is that they guy at the desk next to me just will not shut up.
Posted on 9:57 PM
Back when I was 17 and leader of a brownie girl scout troop, I closed each weekly meeting with a circle of hand holding while singing, "Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other's gold". That was probably one of the more important things I taught those girls... even more important than how to make the camper in the top bunk pee in their sleep or how to tip over a canoe. This memory came to me today because an old friend that I'd lost touch with recently re-found me on here and we've started catching up. This of course happened the week following my curious search for new Volusia County friends during one of my cabin fever moments during Jackson's nap time. I was getting so frustrated with little to do besides chores and neighborhood strolls because I've never been in this position before. I've always been a full-time employee somewhere, typically one putting in overtime. I've worn suits and collared shirts to the office for at least eight years. Wearing my pajamas past noon was making me feel like a complete bum... you'd think the lack of income would have done that, but no, it was actually the lack of showers in the morning. At the same time, I was also loving all the quality time with the boy. Being the one to actually hear every adorable new sound he made and see each one of his smiles was way, way, way better than hearing about it from a nanny. Feeling torn in two directions, I began to wonder if our household would survive if I just worked part time. With summer fast approaching, Jason's business should be booming. He's already landed quite a few new spring accounts... so I started to think that we could swing it. As most of you know, the Universe came through and gave me something better... a legal assistant position that is 80% telecomuting for a near paperless office. This week, I've starting building an organizational system for the electronic files and am testing the user-friendliness of the software we'll give our clients access to... and best of all, I've been doing research for my first company blog about going Green. I also got a response to my photography ad on Craigslist and was hired to take a headshot of a psychologist for his website and business cards. All of this has been possible while remaining a full time mom (with Jason's help, of course). Back to the friend thing, I know that my work will continue to pick up and I'll have a lot less time for boredom during my weekdays. As for my weekends and nights, I'm really one of the lucky ones. I feel rather silly for thinking that I was all alone out here and needed to find some new friends fast. Don't get me wrong, you always has room for new friends, because you can never have too many (or can you? That's a question I'd have to ask Jonathan...hehe). What I feel silly about is the fact that I felt abandoned when I've got a bunch of out-of-state girls who text and write me regularly and a great group of Orlando peeps that have been just as good about driving out here to see me as I have been driving back to see them. In fact, I currently have a massive amount of babyback ribs occupying the entire bottom shelf of the fridge in a homemade marinade for a pre-Wolverine movie BBQ tomorrow with one of our favorite couples to double date with. As for those I haven't actually seen much of since I moved away from O-town, thanks to my friend Tori, I have been reminded that any good friend I've lost touch with recently can easily be reconnected with again. This perspective helps keep my feelings of missing certain loved ones at bay. In the meantime, while it would be nice to have at least one friend who lives less than an hour away, I think I'm done freaking out about not knowing anyone in Daytona. If a find some silver, it'll be a bonus in life, but I'm glad I realized that I don't need to use a proverbial metal detector to go searching for it when I've already got access to so much gold.
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