...That's What She Said

In the midst of riding my wave of positive energy, I received a text message on my cell. I happily opened the flip phone to read it, but after reading only the first word, I knew the identity of the sender and quickly put the phone away. "Tanyas" it read. That uncreative little pet name from my past sent shudders down my spine, and not the good kind that I've recently had the pleasure of experiencing. My initial emotion was anger... how dare he interrupt my perfectly happy present with a reminder of the past I've spent over a year recovering from. Then I read the message. A standard "Haven't heard from you in months, tried calling and left messages but no reply. Hope you're doing well. Call or email me" type of note. More anger... I've received no messages. I always return voicemails, even if it takes a while... and just because I changed my email... back to the anger resulting from false accusations, though some may have been true. I then began to think of excuses as to why I hadn't send a change of email notification months ago and why I hadn't found the time to call and touch base. I racked my brain to come up with a lie that would disguise the simple fact that I had no desire to talk to this person. Then it hit me. A realization, an epiphany, a smack in the face. He is the only person in my entire history that I constantly felt the need to hide my feelings from or flat out lie to. It was the only thing that kept us together, it kept the peace. I hate not being truthful, I hate not sharing myself and I hate when others lie or keep parts of themselves from me. Any happy moment that I can recall from that time period was a complete and total fraud and living that way ate a hole through my soul... it is why I left everything behind and started new. Every person I've met in the past year and a half of being single, I've been honest with... I've dished out my true feelings whether they were positive or negative. A few times, I felt rather silly afterwards and had to apologize once or twice for feeling as though I'd been dramatic. A couple of times I was thanked. Once I cried. None of these experiences have caused me any amount of regret and everything has worked out to be as it should be. As recent blog entries can prove, I've never been happier. I am finally being myself, I am finally living without fear of judgment or rejection... because I know how to deal with my emotions... and I've found satisfaction in life through complete honesty. For the first time thus far in life I know I am able to offer all of my being to other people instead of showing them the pieces that I want them to believe. I have nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to hide... and I am a different woman then the girl my ex used to know. No longer do I dance around other people's feelings by saying nice things I don't mean, no longer do I hold back my thoughts for fear of being criticized... so why make an exception for this one person? The brief anger I thought I felt passed hours ago and now I know what I must finally do after more than six years: tell the truth.

On a lighter note, something smells like raw potatoes in here, I have a paper cut on my lip, I hope it stops raining so that I can wash my car this weekend and my brain is still processing Broken Flowers, but I'll try to write a quick review sometime soon... oh, and the new Bloc Party Remixed two disk special edition set is quite awesome. I'm tempted to put on my dancing shoes.