Girls vs. Women (August 16, 2008)
With a minimum of two hours of driving time per week day, my brain has had some time for pondering and reflecting. I've written at least a dozen fantastic journal entries in my head, but they've slipped away from me as each day passed without me writing them down. There is one train of thought, however, that refuses to be forgotten. Perhaps it is one of those profound life revelations that I once claimed to have at least once per month when I was a more diligent blogger. Go back to my 2005/2006 era if you didn't know me then or need a refresher. Maybe I'm just old, tired and hormonal now... or maybe I've become wise in my years and only get up on my proverbial soap box when it really counts. Either way, here's some food for thought in classic Tanya fashion:
It was after attending my baby shower that I began to notice the high percentage of female friends that I seem to have obtained. In my early twenties, I could count my girl friends on one hand and remember telling every new guy that I met that I kept mostly male friends because I just got along with them better. For many years, I claimed to be the anti-girl. I scoffed at flowers, hearts, kittens and the color pink. Instead, I spent time playing video games, working on cars, talking about rock music and drinking Jim Beam straight from the bottle with no chaser. Oddly enough, I also remember on several occasions when I made my "I have guy friends because I don't like girls and all their drama" speech, that the boy listening replied, "All girls say that." Back then, I recall being defensive and insisting that no matter how many girls said it, I was one of the ones who truly meant it. Somewhere over the course of the last few years, my friend ratio has changed drastically. At some point down the line, I decided that flowers weren't stupid and as I look down, I've presently got a heart shaped pendant hanging from the necklace I'm wearing. Going hand in hand with that, I can think of only three male friends that I have any closeness to, and with every passing minute I feel more and more distant from them. On the flip side, my shower was like something out of a movie... so very girly and even with women missing, it was a full house. I couldn't help but wonder how I got to this point.
Somewhere in the neighborhood of two years ago, I said to someone that I thought having opposite sex friends was completely acceptable until one was married. At that point, an individual becomes responsible for their spouse's feelings and should never leave even the minutest chance for trust issues to develop. I proclaimed that married people should only hang out with friends who were not of the same gender in group settings or during couples' outings. As I've crept up on the milestone age of 30, I've found myself becoming more family oriented, more responsible and enjoying quiet nights. You might call this "settling down" or maybe just "getting old" or "growing up". Regardless of the label put upon this transition, the fact is that it's happening. What I am pondering now is whether or not this is a subconscious change that has come about as a result of my beliefs or whether it's something preconditioned in my DNA. People involved in long term, committed relationships often stick with other pairs of the same when in social settings. Older and/or married women are less likely to have a male best friend (unless said friend is gay and considered to be more of a girl friend… there is an exception to every rule). Is this because they feel it's important to keep their significant other as the most important man in their lives? Is it something deeper… something that's just human nature? It's quite possible that young women avoid intimate friendships with other girls because of the level of competition between them and fear of being back-stabbed or turned against. In contrast to that, women who've gotten married have "staked their claim" and are no longer competing for male attention. Instead, they look to bond with other taken women to discuss their current relationship problems/joys or compare the common issues they share with the men that they love. It seems like once a woman reaches this stage in life, she values a deep emotional bond over one that is simply fun or only revolves around common interests. As an unrelated tangent, this difference between a girl and a woman (note: it has little to do with actual age, but more to do with emotional development) could greatly help men in the dating scene if they took the time to notice this. A female with primarily male friends is a lot less likely to be ready to get into a serious relationship than one with more female best friends. Even girls who claim to want commitment likely have no idea what they're ready for and it's easier to see the truth through the friends they keep rather then the words they say. You can really want something, but simply wanting something does not make it a reality. This probably works in reverse for the ladies in the dating pool, too. Anyway, back to my point and how this affects me...
Though I still have not decided whether I think it's a choice we unknowingly make or something in our genetic makeup that drives our actions (similar to our inherent need to eventually find a mate and procreate)… it's obvious that this change is occurring in my life. On the one hand, I'm sad to be losing my connection to the boys I tagged as "BFFs" because we shared so many good times and have so many common interests to discuss. On the other hand, having so many close female friends to talk to and depend on makes the sadness significantly less impactful as I seem to be drifting apart from others. Becoming closer to these women who have shown me such great friendship during these past 8 months of pregnancy has been a blessing. Having girlfriends who always return calls and emails in a timely manner never leaves me feeling as though I am neglected. I'm starting to realize that women are generally just better at being organized and communicating with one another… and those days I spent "crying into my pillow" because guy friends would go weeks with contacting me feels like something from a distant past. There's less stress and drama these days which has allowed me to focus on family and preparing for the huge changes to come. Instead of focusing on what little negatives that exist, I have simply been feeling happy and grateful. It just didn't hit me as to how lucky I am to be surrounded by such great friends until the day of my baby shower. I still can't believe how many put effort into being there for me without me having to do anything in return… I didn't cook, give advice, help them out in any way… I just sat there surrounded by chocolate, presents and loved ones who just wanted me to be happy without lifting a finger. It's not something I'm used to. Perhaps I'm still in shock. I only hope I can return the favor someday. Would one of you ladies hurry up and get knocked up already? Just kidding! Based on the collective response to Erica's card that I read aloud, it looks like little Jackson will have to find a way to make his own friends since it will be a long time before I can force him to play with my friends' kids... but that's ok, I still love you all. If you would have asked 20-something year old Tanya if she thought she'd have a whole slew of girl friends that she loved like sisters one day, she would have never believed it. However, it's true and I wouldn't trade it for the world!
P.S. Just so the boys don't feel completely left out: Kudos to James for helping Jason escape the super girly party at the comic book store... to Jay for making the 80's playlist for us all to enjoy... to Brandon for making me my favorite treat (chocolate covered strawberries) and sending them with Ames... and to Jonathan for swinging by at the end just to hang out.
It was after attending my baby shower that I began to notice the high percentage of female friends that I seem to have obtained. In my early twenties, I could count my girl friends on one hand and remember telling every new guy that I met that I kept mostly male friends because I just got along with them better. For many years, I claimed to be the anti-girl. I scoffed at flowers, hearts, kittens and the color pink. Instead, I spent time playing video games, working on cars, talking about rock music and drinking Jim Beam straight from the bottle with no chaser. Oddly enough, I also remember on several occasions when I made my "I have guy friends because I don't like girls and all their drama" speech, that the boy listening replied, "All girls say that." Back then, I recall being defensive and insisting that no matter how many girls said it, I was one of the ones who truly meant it. Somewhere over the course of the last few years, my friend ratio has changed drastically. At some point down the line, I decided that flowers weren't stupid and as I look down, I've presently got a heart shaped pendant hanging from the necklace I'm wearing. Going hand in hand with that, I can think of only three male friends that I have any closeness to, and with every passing minute I feel more and more distant from them. On the flip side, my shower was like something out of a movie... so very girly and even with women missing, it was a full house. I couldn't help but wonder how I got to this point.
Somewhere in the neighborhood of two years ago, I said to someone that I thought having opposite sex friends was completely acceptable until one was married. At that point, an individual becomes responsible for their spouse's feelings and should never leave even the minutest chance for trust issues to develop. I proclaimed that married people should only hang out with friends who were not of the same gender in group settings or during couples' outings. As I've crept up on the milestone age of 30, I've found myself becoming more family oriented, more responsible and enjoying quiet nights. You might call this "settling down" or maybe just "getting old" or "growing up". Regardless of the label put upon this transition, the fact is that it's happening. What I am pondering now is whether or not this is a subconscious change that has come about as a result of my beliefs or whether it's something preconditioned in my DNA. People involved in long term, committed relationships often stick with other pairs of the same when in social settings. Older and/or married women are less likely to have a male best friend (unless said friend is gay and considered to be more of a girl friend… there is an exception to every rule). Is this because they feel it's important to keep their significant other as the most important man in their lives? Is it something deeper… something that's just human nature? It's quite possible that young women avoid intimate friendships with other girls because of the level of competition between them and fear of being back-stabbed or turned against. In contrast to that, women who've gotten married have "staked their claim" and are no longer competing for male attention. Instead, they look to bond with other taken women to discuss their current relationship problems/joys or compare the common issues they share with the men that they love. It seems like once a woman reaches this stage in life, she values a deep emotional bond over one that is simply fun or only revolves around common interests. As an unrelated tangent, this difference between a girl and a woman (note: it has little to do with actual age, but more to do with emotional development) could greatly help men in the dating scene if they took the time to notice this. A female with primarily male friends is a lot less likely to be ready to get into a serious relationship than one with more female best friends. Even girls who claim to want commitment likely have no idea what they're ready for and it's easier to see the truth through the friends they keep rather then the words they say. You can really want something, but simply wanting something does not make it a reality. This probably works in reverse for the ladies in the dating pool, too. Anyway, back to my point and how this affects me...
Though I still have not decided whether I think it's a choice we unknowingly make or something in our genetic makeup that drives our actions (similar to our inherent need to eventually find a mate and procreate)… it's obvious that this change is occurring in my life. On the one hand, I'm sad to be losing my connection to the boys I tagged as "BFFs" because we shared so many good times and have so many common interests to discuss. On the other hand, having so many close female friends to talk to and depend on makes the sadness significantly less impactful as I seem to be drifting apart from others. Becoming closer to these women who have shown me such great friendship during these past 8 months of pregnancy has been a blessing. Having girlfriends who always return calls and emails in a timely manner never leaves me feeling as though I am neglected. I'm starting to realize that women are generally just better at being organized and communicating with one another… and those days I spent "crying into my pillow" because guy friends would go weeks with contacting me feels like something from a distant past. There's less stress and drama these days which has allowed me to focus on family and preparing for the huge changes to come. Instead of focusing on what little negatives that exist, I have simply been feeling happy and grateful. It just didn't hit me as to how lucky I am to be surrounded by such great friends until the day of my baby shower. I still can't believe how many put effort into being there for me without me having to do anything in return… I didn't cook, give advice, help them out in any way… I just sat there surrounded by chocolate, presents and loved ones who just wanted me to be happy without lifting a finger. It's not something I'm used to. Perhaps I'm still in shock. I only hope I can return the favor someday. Would one of you ladies hurry up and get knocked up already? Just kidding! Based on the collective response to Erica's card that I read aloud, it looks like little Jackson will have to find a way to make his own friends since it will be a long time before I can force him to play with my friends' kids... but that's ok, I still love you all. If you would have asked 20-something year old Tanya if she thought she'd have a whole slew of girl friends that she loved like sisters one day, she would have never believed it. However, it's true and I wouldn't trade it for the world!
P.S. Just so the boys don't feel completely left out: Kudos to James for helping Jason escape the super girly party at the comic book store... to Jay for making the 80's playlist for us all to enjoy... to Brandon for making me my favorite treat (chocolate covered strawberries) and sending them with Ames... and to Jonathan for swinging by at the end just to hang out.
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