IWSG: No press, but depress(ed)
Thank goodness for First Wednesdays... and thanks to Alex J. Cavanaugh, it's the day we insecure writers come together to share our pitfalls and inspirations. To learn more and read other's posts, click the photo link!
*Ahem* Hi there. It's me again... long, lost Tanya... attempting to post something before being banished forever from the IWSG. One writer I sincerely admire once said something to the effect of me not posting very often, but when I do it really means something. I hope that's true... not so much that tonight's entry will be a life-changing prolific event, by any means. But I do hope it means something to someone somewhere, perhaps even will be helpful in some way. I know I cannot be alone in my thoughts, so why not share them and see if I can spark inspiration from the depths of what will hopefully not sound like a pity party.
I avoided the blogosphere in April like the plague. Sure, March was a busy month with family visits and birthday junk... but the only excuse I thought I had for April was shame. If I'd committed myself to it, I could have done the A-Z challenge. I probably would have had fun and been pretty proud of myself, too. But no, I was too busy, too distracted, too tired... even far too exhausted to participate in supporting my fellow bloggers with commentary... or so I thought. Then along came May. My band of misfit employees rallied together with insubordination and disrespect when I hired a team lead from outside the company. This caused a reduction in staff and long hours for me to pick up the slack. Once again, I told myself that after working 10+ hours at the office and then being on mom duty was just too much and there was no way I could make time to write. Of course, after getting the little one down for the count, I'd spend an hour lying in bed in the dark with the light blue glow of my iPhone illuminating my face. What was I doing every night? Lurking on Facebook and Instagram. Lamenting over the social circle I left behind in Florida over a year ago. Feeling like a sad, lonely voyeur... when I could have been writing.
Now it's June (yikes!) and it wasn't until today when a random someone left me a comment on my last post... from April (yikes again!) that the source of my trouble revealed its true identity. The comment said that I must not love writing first, or I'd have made time for it. Tanya Tip: The best way to get me to do something is to challenge me that I can't. And so, that was my inadvertent wake-up call. I've thought about it all day. Could it be true that I really don't love writing? Is it not actually one of my passions? What is my problem? Then I got a text on my way home from a Florida friend complaining about her baby continuously pooping in the bath tub, which cracked me up and made my heart sink all at once. I had laughed at the humor in the situation, but I was not happy to hear from my friend. Just like I couldn't feel happiness for all those social media posts I'd "liked" but didn't put forth the effort into making actual comments as to why. I just felt sad. Then I realized I felt depressed. And then I realized that I've been depressed for a while. Depression isn't something you know you have until it's pretty well set in. And depression isn't a feeling. It's a state of mind that prevents you from feeling... anything... even finding joy in the things you love the most, something that I'd mistaken for simply being sad and nostalgic for my friends. Instead, you just pass through life from day to day, remembering what it used to be like to feel things and not understanding the fact that you aren't feeling things in the present. I think that acknowledging depression is the first step in recovering from it and finding yourself again, but I also think that exploring your state of mind and expressing what caused it will help the feelings return. So either, I'll write to rediscover my feelings or I'll start feeling my love of writing as it happens. Either way, the stalemate ends tonight. Thank you, IWSG.
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Hey Tanya! I'm sorry. But now that you know it's depression, you can do something about it. Start writing again. That might be the spark to pull you out of the hole.
And no, you haven't been banished from the IWSG list!
Depression is like that, it zaps your energy, removes time from your life like an eraser of a pencil. With barely any evidence, just a shadow of what might have been. Yes, a challenge will help, recognizing it too, but it's insidious. Try a walk in the sunshine to find your muse. I think you may have just done that! And yes, I too know the black hole that is depression.
All the best!
Welcome back, Tanya! I know it's hard to find the time and energy to write and stay current in the social media world. It's easy to keep chastising yourself for what you haven't accomplished. But each day is the opportunity to start anew. Today is your day. Today is your day to write! You're a wonderful writer. Best of luck. :)
I'm sorry you suffer from depression, but welcome back
Thank you as always, Alex... and thanks also to Yolanda, Michael & Michael... the supportive words mean so much and it's good to be back :-)