...That's What She Said

The gentle, warm breeze pushed past the old red pick-up truck that my father allowed me to drive to work and puffed up the front of my matching red smock. It tickled the sliver of exposed skin between the hem of my vintage button up shirt and the waistband of my faded, black consignment shop dress pants, sending goose bumps up my spine and down the length of each bare arm. Fluorescent lights cast a rose glow onto the mostly abandoned parking lot below through the oversized, red plastic “K” mounted above the entryway to the closed storefront. It was after ten o’clock p.m. on a Friday night, and as the seventeen year old service desk manager of my friendly neighborhood K-Mart, it had been my job to count all of the cash drawers and cart the hundreds of pounds of profit back to the safe in the cash room behind the main stockroom. One might think it was unusual that such a young girl was tasked with such an important duty, but I’d always been responsible beyond my years. What I found to be far more unusual was that I was seventeen (nearly eighteen) and had never been kissed. I looked up at the glowing moon as I unlocked the truck door and thought about how that fact was finally about to change.

One by one, the late shift employees got into their cars and drove away. I’d removed my polyester employee vest, thrown it into the passenger seat and was applying lip gloss by the soft light of my vanity mirror when the general manager emerged from the building, keys in hand. Behind him, the last three employees, all stock boys, exited so that he could lock the doors. They all chattered the standard end of the night, see-you-tomorrow salutations and headed to their vehicles, with the exception of Jeremy, who was headed straight for my open driver’s window. In the fifteen minutes that I’d sat waiting, I’d romanticized the event soon to transpire… taking in the ambient whir of traffic on the main road beyond the lot and the wind rustling bits of trash through the wheels of the shopping carts that were nestled together in the metal corral. In reality, it was a dirty, old patch of pavement in front of a sub-par department store. However, for me, it may as well have been a deserted beach, at sunset, on an island in Fiji. I’d practiced what I was going to say to my very first “real” boyfriend for the entire five hours that I’d argued with customers about why they couldn’t return their dust-covered 1974 television set without a receipt and exchanged pants that didn’t fit for moo-moo nightgowns that did. It was going to be as perfect as the picture I’d so painstakingly painted in my mind, and not even the grating clatter of the empty beer bottle that rolled past my truck was going to change that.

Jeremy arrived at my parking spot and rested his forearm on the lip of the window frame. “Hey,” he said.

“Hey, yourself,” I replied. So far, so good, I thought, and continued, “So, I was thinking about you a lot today and I might be able to get my dad to un-ground me before my birthday…”

“You shouldn’t be grounded at all. It’s been like two months and I’ve only been able to take you out to dinner one time and that was to Burger King. It really sucks that you have to rush home every night all stressed out.” He furrowed his eyebrows out of genuine concern.

“I know, but my father is the biggest A-Hole on the planet and I don’t want to make things worse. Anyway, look… I know I’ll be able to go out and do something fun. It’ll be my birthday and I don’t want to have friends over or have a party… I just want to be with you. I want to be with you now, too... but if I’m not home by eleven…” I trailed off and searched Jeremy’s hazel eyes, which was an easy thing to do since they were magnified by his enormously thick black-framed lenses. He shifted from one Doc Martin to the other, looked down and then back up at me again. I was fairly certain that he was thinking the same thing that I was, and I knew that he was just as nervous, if not more so.

Jeremy, a few months older than I, was also a never-been-kissed statistic. My best friend, Brandi, said it was because he looked like a tortoise, but I thought it was just because he was shy and unsure of himself, like me. I supposed that was the reason my answer had been yes when he stopped me in this very same parking lot to ask me if I would be his girlfriend. Despite my enormous crush on another coworker, a strapping and classically handsome tall boy with black hair and deep blue eyes (and no glasses), I felt a kinship with Jeremy… a commonality that would surely bond us more than a silly attraction to a boy who probably didn’t even know that I existed. Since the night I’d given him my answer, work had been a lot more fun and I’d had something to look forward to outside of my normal daily grind. The store was in the next town over from where I lived, so we attended different high schools. In the last two weeks, I’d scheduled myself extra nights so that I could see him more often. I’d also been a little more lenient with people who wanted to return broken merchandise that would have to be picked up and brought to the stockroom... and I volunteered to deliver those returns in person. "Wow, service with a smile," he'd said as I'd entered the customer free zone that was his domain.

I turned my attention to the digital read out on the car stereo. It was 10:32. My commute home generally took about thirty minutes. “My dad’s gonna kill me if I’m late,” I said with a reluctant sigh. I was hoping that he’d noticed the extra emphasis I'd put into that sigh and would pick up on the fact that I wasn’t dead set on obeying the rules tonight.  But he was staring down at his scuffed boots again.

"Then I guess I'll just see you tomorrow," he nearly whispered as he stopped leaning on my door and took a step back, slowly lifting his gaze to meet mine.  He was visibly upset, but not more than I was. Were boys really so clueless? No, I'd planned the perfect thing to say, rehearsed it a hundred times and if there ever was a right time, it was now... whether he was picking up on my hints or not.

"Hold on a second," I began as I motioned for him to step closer. "I waited for you for a reason. What I mean is... well, you've been waiting for me this whole time and I don't want to just up and leave just because... Crap. Hold on, let me start over."  I took a deep breath, ignoring Jeremy's raised eyebrow. "Ok, so... did you hear the whole stupid blue light special announcement I had to make over the intercom to get rid off all that Valentine's Day stuff for seventy-five percent off?"

He nodded, still eying me suspiciously.

"Ok, well, did you hear the part where I said that thing about how any customer in the store tonight lucky enough to have someone to buy discounted candy for, should definitely pick some up even though the official holiday was over... and what a value it was to be able to show their love every day for such an unbelievably low price?"

He was grinning. "Oh yeah, I heard that part. All the guys were giving me total crap me about it. Talk about cheesy. They think you're more of a dork than I am!"

I briefly thought of my previous crush. Of course they did.

He went on, "But I could hear the sarcasm coming through, so it was funny. When you started doing those announcements, that's when I knew I had to ask you out... I mean, I always thought you were pretty, but... that stuff cracks me up." The smirk on his face was endearing.

"Yeah well, it was cheesy and all, but I was kinda talking about you," I informed him.  I reached into the oversized pocket of my work vest on the seat next to me and retrieved the foil wrapped, heart shape candy with the words "I Love You" stamped on the front.  Starting to feel as though my well rehearsed, albeit fifty cent valued, proclamation wasn't going to turn out the way I'd envisioned, I held it out to him before I was able to loose my nerve.  I was glad that the red tinted light covered the flush in my cheeks.

He took it and studied it for a moment.  Without words, he leaned in through the window. In that instant, a flood of thoughts hit me at once.  I was supposed to get OUT of the truck. I was supposed to end up in his arms, like a romance movie, with sweeping, epic music playing in my mind.  I was supposed to say something else, too... Before I could continue the process of over-thinking the situation, his lips touched mine.  I thought, "This is it... this is my perfect moment that I've been dreaming of and plotting for and planning every detail of since I was eleven years old!" Then all of a sudden I felt a sensation that I can only describe as being akin to my little brother's tackle box being dumped into my mouth. Something like one of those rubbery fishing worms was darting from tooth to tooth and nearly down my throat.  It was cold and wet and weird. "This is disgusting... is it supposed to be gross?," my flustered mind wondered.  Maybe it was the shock of things not feeling the way Hollywood portrayed them to be or maybe I'd just over planned the details and my mind wasn't where it should have been, but the sensation ended abruptly before I could analyze it further. The empty Budweiser bottle had resumed its journey across the lot and hit the wheel of a parked cart with a loud "Crack!"

"Ow!" Jeremy yelped, clasping his hand over his mouth.  I wasn't sure what it was yet, but something had undoubtedly gone terribly wrong. "I think you bit my tongue."

"Ow!" I immediately yelled back, putting my own hand over my mouth. I wasn't actually in any pain, but my panicked reaction was apparently to mimic him.

"Oh no," He stepped closer again, "Or maybe I bit yours? Or I bit my own? Oh, I'm so, so sorry!" He looked completely devastated.  Meanwhile, I felt horrible for shifting the blame onto him.  The entire event had been so confusing and I felt my eyes welling up with embarrassment. I realized that I'd selfishly been deconstructing every nuance of what I considered to be my personal milestone event... while simultaneously ruining his.

Before a tear could escape, I shut my eyes and gathered my thoughts.  Then I reached out my hand, which he took.  "I have no idea what just happened, but I'm pretty sure it was my fault.  I think I was a little bit nervous.  And I'm so sorry that I'm such a neurotic control freak. I don't know what I was thinking, but I do know that I was thinking too much.  Ugh. I suck at just going with the flow, ya know?"  Glancing at the clock that now read 10:39, I went on, "I'm also pretty sure I'm going to be late getting home tonight no matter what.  So, if I'm going to get double grounded or whatever, it should be worth it."  I studied his expression, trying to guess if I was seeing relief or shock. "It's only been a minute, can we have a re-do?"

Jeremy's gentle eyes were fixed on mine. "If my parents never let me do anything, I'd probably be a control freak, too. And I can totally help you out with the whole going with the flow thing.  So, if you really mean it, you can have as many re-dos as you want because I think I could use the practice," he replied with a smile that reminded me he had a cute dimple on just the left side of his mouth.

The big, red "K" reflected in his glasses, but I decided that his poor vision was obviously a bonus because he'd just called me pretty a few minutes earlier.  Had I already started to take such a sweet boy for granted? I shook my head in amazement, and with that shake, all thoughts of anyone else tumbled out and scattered in the breeze. This time, I opened the door, stepped onto the imperfectly painted line of the parking space, and closed in for what would be a truly perfect moment. A moment with the first boy who let me know that he honestly wanted to know me,  someone who wanted to gain an understanding of where I was coming from and who I was.  And in that moment, he was flawless...  I thought only of him as my lips' second touch from another's stirred an inner warmth in my heart that could only be described as the very beginnings of a first love.