...That's What She Said

When I was young and single, I blogged almost every day. I had a cake walk of a job and I blogged on the clock between tasks just to pass the time. I thought that surely now that my baby was a toddler who sleeps 11 hours straight on a set schedule, I'd have no excuse not to write weekly entries. Well, I had good intentions... and like with so many other things, I also had poor follow through.

I've been feeling tired and old and maybe a little stressed and depressed, too. They should have a class in high school called Adulthood Truth 101. No one told me that becoming a mom sucked the life force right out of you. No one told me that your 30th birthday was a switch that flicked from "able to stay up all night" to "asleep on the couch by 10 p.m." No one told me that when your twenties were over, they were REALLY over. Each day that passes, more of your individuality, creativity, interests, tastes in music, art, books & movies... is buried... buried underneath debates over child rearing techniques, Excel spreadsheets and office politics, Nickelodeon and pet vomit stained carpet.

But it's not all bad and it's not all sad. Maybe I am conforming to the masses and participating in generic small talk in the break room... but a lot of the time I'm happy and content. The massive, drunken parties and loud, blurry nights on the dance floor certainly aren't missed. They served their purpose at the time and I have some fond memories of when a few friendships began. Though  now I see photos of single people participating in the very same activities that once consumed my weekends and I know that they're searching for their own versions of happiness... maybe even hoping to obtain what I now have: family. Each time I share smiles with my overly joyous little boy, I wonder how I'd ever lived without him... and wonder how those who've yet to experience the love of their own child could even know that love exists. I do not miss being stuck in the phase of life where all the group activities begin to blur together as the artificial happiness of alcohol wears thin and the fear of a future alone haunts the closet of your one bedroom apartment. I do, however, sometimes miss dropping everything to hit up an indie rock show, on a work night, with no intention of sleeping more than three hours. I miss stumbling upon new music on the inter-webs, downloading everything I could find, falling in love with no less than 12 new songs a week and being the provider of tunes to my friends. I miss spending all day alone, wandering the streets and snapping photos with no plan of where I'd end up, when I'd eat or if that day's photography would even be worth printing and not caring. I miss creating new recipes and cooking meals for group DVD night. Hell, I just plain miss my friends in general. I can't even find the time to set up a Skype chat once a month or attempt more than a 10 minute phone call to anyone. And while I miss these things terribly, I wouldn't trade them for the anticipation of sharing some of these things with my little one when eventually, he's not so little.

Maybe the only new songs I know from bands I love are the ones featured on Yo Gabba Gabba and maybe I'm working too hard at my job... but I'm doing everything for my son because dedicating every ounce of my being to showing him that he's the most important thing I've ever had is helping me conquer my biggest fear in life... which isn't ending up alone or losing myself or becoming old... no, mine has always been that genetics, fate, or some other force would cause me to end up like my parents: selfish, distant, absent, unsupportive and unable to fully enable positive growth in others. I suppose the long and the short of it is that my child, less than two years of age, has saved me in a way that no other soul on Earth could... and for that I will happily give up everything of my own if it comes to that. Honestly, it's the least I can do. So, I know it's only human to sometimes get a little down, but having written this reminder to myself will be helpful in the process of picking myself up by my bootstraps and finding the motivation I've lately lacked in taking charge and getting things done when I'm off the clock. If I can kick butt at work, I can do it at home and anywhere else... 1,2,3, go!