...That's What She Said

I've been feeling a little under the weather this past week. I couldn't find my sea legs to get out of bed on Monday. After a coughing fit on Wednesday, I pretty much lost my voice. I haven't been to the doctor, so I blew it off as a common cold. Today, however, over the course of illegal text messaging at work, I've come to a much darker conclusion. It all started last week when I received a random email from someone on MySpace claiming to be a pirate... a real one. His photos were all very pirate-y, his default was a skull and cross bones, his quote was "Aye, not all treasures be silver or gold, Matey", and his occupation: Pirate (of course). His email indicated that he wanted me to join his group: "Scallywags of Whorelando". Yes, this is a true story. Then, if you read my last blog, I attended my mother's wedding... which was more or less an authentic pirate wedding, minus the eye patches and peg legs. Sending messages back and forth amongst friends today, it came to my attention that at least two of them share my symptoms... and one mentioned that they thought it was scurvy. I was reminded of an episode of Home Movies that I just watched last night where Brenden claimed to have scurvy and Melissa replied, "Brenden, only pirates get scurvy". It was like a light bulb had appeared directly above my head. I have scurvy. The pirates have been after me for weeks, they got my mother... and she passed it to me. Dear God, does that make me a pirate now? Is it like leprosy? Lepers are kind of like pirates... at least in that horrible movie, The Fog, they were. Am I going to have to give up everything I love, steal a boat and wear big gold hoop earrings and a bandana on my head for the rest of my life... out on the open sea, on the run, just me and my one eyed parrot named Winker? Worse yet, have I infected my friends? I think I have... we're all in this together now. I hope you all can forgive me. So, who's up for some sailboat "shopping" this weekend? Red bandanas for everyone... just don't put them in your back left pocket. Jonathan, that means you.