...That's What She Said

It's amazing how much cleaning and organizing one can do when they take a weekend off from making plans with anyone (or going on the internet). My car and condo are in a much better state... and so is my mind. When distracted by constant activities with others, everything in life can become cluttered and messy.

While scrubbing my wheels and organizing my bills, I gave myself time to think about what aspects of my life were bringing out negative emotions. Over the last couple of weeks, I'd been having bad dreams and tearful outbursts whenever I was alone. My subconscious was trying to tell me something... and I'm now starting to form the best course of action to avoid a repeat of the overwhelming emotional break-down that started to creep into my life last week.

I have acknowledged a deep hurt that occurred many months ago, but was buried under the idea of putting a friendship (with him) first. I have accepted that I have endured one of the greatest heartbreaks in my life and have finally taken the proper steps to let go and move forward... these realizations are late, but as they say, "better late than never". I have also come to the conclusion that I need to loosen the grip that I have on some of my other close friendships. Though I had nothing but good intentions, my efforts to remain a present force in other's lives and go out of my way to help them has lent to conflict within the large group of friends that I've been a part of this past year. I realize now that it is not my responsibility to try to keep everyone together, not my job to find ways to keep people on track and most importantly that it is not possible to make everyone happy. I shouldn't have to try so hard to share with those that I love... so, I think it might be best if I take the less aggressive approach and stand back unless someone comes to me for assistance. If I am loved as much as I love them, I should never fear being forgotten. If we are truly kindred spirits, we will always be close... regardless of our distance.

I have always referred to my close friends as "my family". I have always needed them more then they've needed me. Despite my feeling as though my best friends are like brothers and sisters to me, the fact remains that they are not. They have their own siblings to love and depend on... they see me as just a friend. I think the obvious solution to my problem is to give my actual family one more shot... I do have at least a few aunts, uncles and cousins that want me to be a part of their lives. I'd like to get to know my little brother better. I also need to remember that my grandparents won't always be around. Instead of trying to plan group activities where all my friends and acquaintances are invited, I think it would be healthier for me to put that energy into reconnecting with the people who are never supposed to let me down... my blood relatives. Perhaps then, I'll find myself on a path that will lead to a family of my own one day. As my grandma on my mother's side always reminds me, I'm not getting any younger. This is not to say that I will love my best friends any less, but I hope that not depending on them as much will make life a little easier for us all.

It is my sincere hope that if I focus my attention in this new direction, it will allow more time for some of my recently distressed friends to do some late spring cleaning of their own. Then maybe after we've all reevaluated our priorities and worked out any issues, we can gather together for fun without the stress of sending out invites and checking off lists of who doesn't get along with who... maybe it can just happen effortlessly the way it used to. Maybe we can all put our insecurities and assumptions aside to enjoy one another's company... to freely love, learn and laugh together again. Meanwhile, I'm just going to continue to focus on becoming a better person and hope that the people I love are doing well as I embark on this personal journey. I'm really tired of female drama, loneliness and stress... so I'm going to try to steer away from these things that have been negatively impacting my life and just focus on myself for once (and being truly happy, not just faking it when company's around). I look forward to sharing my time and conversation with anyone who'd like to do so individually, but as far as group events go, count me out for now. I don't know for sure that this is the best approach, but it's seems like the best route for me to try at the moment.