Reflections Of vs. Reflections On (February 6, 2007)
Not too long ago, I was filling out a form. One of the questions to be answered was what my philosophy of life was. Over the years, my answer has evolved based on experience and now as I have admitted to myself that I am, in fact, a grown up... I believe that I've settled on a definition that suits me and probably will not shift very much in the future. Now that I've reached that place in my mind, I constantly find myself using it as a baseboard for all the daily little issues that pop up. I feel as though I am testing my self-learned theory by attempting to use it to answer any "what if" questions that pop up.
A recent example can be taken from a conversation that I had a little over a week ago with an out of town friend. After complaining about ex-boyfriends and dieting, we discussed the nature of our relationships with girl friends. Until the past year, I'd never had more than three close female friends at one time and all but one of those entered and exited my world through a revolving door. My reason for sticking close with the guys and easily dismissing the girls was due to my belief that females generally were using me or not giving back what I'd put into the friendship. I "broke up" with them as easily as I did my disposable boyfriends of younger years. I was so unattached and emotionally detached when I was younger, that very few people were allowed into my heart and able to stick with me as I grew older. I had no time for the catty, jealous and competitive nature of girls and at the first sign of any claws coming out, I'd snip them out of my life without a second thought. As I was listening to my friend speak, I began to wonder if that behavior was simply part of the growth process of life and if I'd missed out on long term relationships with women because of my attitude. Hearing these stories from a female friend (whom I currently love dearly) gave me the impression that this might be the way it is for everyone and that I was far too judgmental in assuming that anyone exhibiting selfish or juvenile acts should be kicked to the curb immediately. Despite her similar experiences to mine, she'd held on and continued giving her female friends chances while always trying to focus on even the tiniest glimmer of a good trait. If I'd been more like that, would I have been less of a lone wolf in my early twenties and would I be happier now? I pondered these thoughts further upon my return home. I thought about the place I was at approximately one year ago and shuddered at my own actions. After years of inexperience at being a "typical" girl, I jumped into unfamiliar territory and became one of "them". I completely forgot my "guy way of thinking" and found myself taking sides, being mean to girls I hardly knew and wrapping myself up into a very exclusive clique where trash talking ran rampant. It wasn't until I sorted out my head and made my apologies that I began to feel like a decent person again. What followed was exile, then solitude and finally the forging of new friendships. Despite the bad taste left in my mouth, I am surprised to find that nearly eighty percent of my new close relationships are with women. The difference this year is that I am finding that encouragement, support and sharing have replaced the selfish and hateful actions of scenarios past.
Over the past week, I have tried to fit this whole series of events into the neat little puzzle that is my life philosophy. It wasn't until I stepped away and stopped focusing on the details that it started to make sense. Who did what and which words were said do not really matter in the grand scheme of things. While it may all have a little something to do with the quality of people I am now choosing to associate with, I don't necessarily think that I ever shared a bond with anyone who was a bad person... they simply had bad habits which I allowed to have an impact on the way that I lived my life. Mostly, I think it has a lot to do with the positive energy that I've been trying to be consistent in projecting toward those around me in recent months. I've always said that your friends are a direct reflection of you, but I've never stopped to consider WHY until now. Since I believe that everything has an influence on everything else and that all the seemingly separate aspects of life are tightly intertwined... then it makes sense that I will attract positivism when I transmit it and vice-versa. When I was younger, more confused and less happy, I was short-changing my potential, and thus I was a magnet for those on a similar path. Looking back, I feel as though I have finally reached a place where I not only understand previous relationship failures, but I am now accepting responsibility for the role I played in them. I've also been constantly thinking about how grateful I am for the girl friends that I've bonded with in the last six months who have assisted me in my efforts to become a truly happy person. While I still have further to go on my journey, I am confident that I am currently the best version of myself thus far. It is most likely because of this fact that my bonds with a few long time friends, my best boys and my truehearted boyfriend have endured through the "Growth Spurt of 2006". I've probably rambled so much that my point has been lost, but basically I just wanted to document the day that I figured out that not all girls are the type to be wary of... and realized that there are a bunch that I just can't imagine living without. Plus, it's kind of nice to think that I might actually have an accurate grasp on the true meaning(s) of friendship.
A recent example can be taken from a conversation that I had a little over a week ago with an out of town friend. After complaining about ex-boyfriends and dieting, we discussed the nature of our relationships with girl friends. Until the past year, I'd never had more than three close female friends at one time and all but one of those entered and exited my world through a revolving door. My reason for sticking close with the guys and easily dismissing the girls was due to my belief that females generally were using me or not giving back what I'd put into the friendship. I "broke up" with them as easily as I did my disposable boyfriends of younger years. I was so unattached and emotionally detached when I was younger, that very few people were allowed into my heart and able to stick with me as I grew older. I had no time for the catty, jealous and competitive nature of girls and at the first sign of any claws coming out, I'd snip them out of my life without a second thought. As I was listening to my friend speak, I began to wonder if that behavior was simply part of the growth process of life and if I'd missed out on long term relationships with women because of my attitude. Hearing these stories from a female friend (whom I currently love dearly) gave me the impression that this might be the way it is for everyone and that I was far too judgmental in assuming that anyone exhibiting selfish or juvenile acts should be kicked to the curb immediately. Despite her similar experiences to mine, she'd held on and continued giving her female friends chances while always trying to focus on even the tiniest glimmer of a good trait. If I'd been more like that, would I have been less of a lone wolf in my early twenties and would I be happier now? I pondered these thoughts further upon my return home. I thought about the place I was at approximately one year ago and shuddered at my own actions. After years of inexperience at being a "typical" girl, I jumped into unfamiliar territory and became one of "them". I completely forgot my "guy way of thinking" and found myself taking sides, being mean to girls I hardly knew and wrapping myself up into a very exclusive clique where trash talking ran rampant. It wasn't until I sorted out my head and made my apologies that I began to feel like a decent person again. What followed was exile, then solitude and finally the forging of new friendships. Despite the bad taste left in my mouth, I am surprised to find that nearly eighty percent of my new close relationships are with women. The difference this year is that I am finding that encouragement, support and sharing have replaced the selfish and hateful actions of scenarios past.
Over the past week, I have tried to fit this whole series of events into the neat little puzzle that is my life philosophy. It wasn't until I stepped away and stopped focusing on the details that it started to make sense. Who did what and which words were said do not really matter in the grand scheme of things. While it may all have a little something to do with the quality of people I am now choosing to associate with, I don't necessarily think that I ever shared a bond with anyone who was a bad person... they simply had bad habits which I allowed to have an impact on the way that I lived my life. Mostly, I think it has a lot to do with the positive energy that I've been trying to be consistent in projecting toward those around me in recent months. I've always said that your friends are a direct reflection of you, but I've never stopped to consider WHY until now. Since I believe that everything has an influence on everything else and that all the seemingly separate aspects of life are tightly intertwined... then it makes sense that I will attract positivism when I transmit it and vice-versa. When I was younger, more confused and less happy, I was short-changing my potential, and thus I was a magnet for those on a similar path. Looking back, I feel as though I have finally reached a place where I not only understand previous relationship failures, but I am now accepting responsibility for the role I played in them. I've also been constantly thinking about how grateful I am for the girl friends that I've bonded with in the last six months who have assisted me in my efforts to become a truly happy person. While I still have further to go on my journey, I am confident that I am currently the best version of myself thus far. It is most likely because of this fact that my bonds with a few long time friends, my best boys and my truehearted boyfriend have endured through the "Growth Spurt of 2006". I've probably rambled so much that my point has been lost, but basically I just wanted to document the day that I figured out that not all girls are the type to be wary of... and realized that there are a bunch that I just can't imagine living without. Plus, it's kind of nice to think that I might actually have an accurate grasp on the true meaning(s) of friendship.
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