...That's What She Said

Sporadic observations and accounts of my daily world and creative pursuits

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Nipples, screws & nostalgia.... oh my! (October 10, 2005)

Posted on 9:56 PM No Comments
Though still recovering from my cold, I lent my home improvement skills (such as they are) to my best friend back home in Deltona. After about 4 trips to Home Depot to return screws, pipes and connecting pieces (as a side note: we stood in the isles giggling & making comments in reference to their names: nipples, couplings, male and female connectors... then proceeded to tell the employees that offered their help that we were also in need of longer screws, in fact I remember saying, "The screw I had at home had much too small a head, so I'm here to buy one with a bigger head, and maybe a little thicker, too" as we giggled some more in the screw isle.) and after sighting 4 people we knew from high school at various other stores while we were out and about for the day, we finally got a few of the projects crossed off of her to-do list. It's funny how you tend to act like you're back in high school again when you're hanging out in your old stomping grounds with your B-F-F from back then. The silliness didn't stop once we were out of the public eye... oh, no. Back at her new house we went on and on about the screws, throwing in a few caulk in the holes jokes while we were at it. In addition to the house projects, I was also commissioned to remove certain features of her computer that pertained to the ex. While showing her how to change her desktop and reorganize files, we talked about old friends and she asked me what nostalgia meant. Unaware that I'd used a "big word" I wasn't prepared to offer a definition, so I said the first thing that came to mind. I told her that it meant "happily remembering the past... being sentimental". It wasn't until I'd driven home exhausted, slept in late on Sunday and woke up to start my day of laundry doing that I thought about what it really meant.

The next day there I was, blasting my indie music through my computer speakers in my room, dancing around with hangers and clothing as I put things away in my closet ... when a thought suddenly materialized. Nostalgia isn't really a happy thing at all. In fact, whenever I'm being nostalgic, reviewing old photo albums, thinking about old friends, I'm actually rather sad. Taking a break, I looked up the official definition. Nostalgia: 1.) A bittersweet longing for things, persons, or situations of the past. 2.) The condition of being homesick; homesickness.

Thus, another revelation is born. Perhaps my state of mind on Friday opened the door for this new line of thinking. I'd like to believe that something good came out of being depressed all day. Tanya's train of thought is now boarding, please hand your ticket to the conductor and have a seat... I hope you enjoy the passing scenery:

All these years, I've led myself to believe that the word nostalgia had a happy connotation. Every time I thought of my dead best friend, my high school crew, ex boyfriends treated badly and current friends not acting the same way they did when I first met them it never dawned on me that I was sabotaging myself in a way. I told myself I was simply wondering how people were doing, wondering if they were happy or just being positive in hoping that everything had turned for the best for everyone. In reality, I was dwelling on all the things I'd done wrong and spending too much time thinking about the "what ifs". In the case of those I am still in contact with, the situation is far worse. I can think of more than one example of a time where I was disappointed that a close friend had failed me... more than one time where I let them know how much they'd hurt me... more than one time when I held them to expectations that they never agreed to. All of this because I was holding on to the relationship I'd had with them in the past. Regardless of the changes that are inevitable in life, such as growing up, changes of opinion, new loves, new losses, new beliefs, new friends and interests, I still expected them to treat me the same and be just as available to me as they were in the past. Life's path constantly shifts and you must alter the direction you are currently traveling in order to be able to adapt to the changes and stay on track. However, being one of the most stubborn people I know, I just wouldn't let go. No, I'd wander off course, get lost in the woods and then proceed to yell at whoever remained there on the winding path I'd refused to follow for not staying by my side. Though I've been fairly proud of myself for being more positive this year then any time previously in my life, I realize now that the positive moments occurred during times when I was focusing on present happiness, new relationships and current experience. Each time I was upset and hurt by someone I called a friend, it was for the reasons I described above. I suppose that means that I've gotten better about not dwelling on the past, but just now assessing the situation tells me that I've still got some work to do. Holding on to certain things can hurt you more then letting them go. Apparently there are times when only suffering a loss can bring you peace.

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