...That's What She Said

In early March I began sharing the news of a life changing event to a select few. Despite my need to write and vent my feelings through the ups and down of these part few months, I have refrained. Some news is better delivered in person. I could not imagine what it would be like to come across significant changes in a loved one's life through such impersonal means as MySpace... that is until this past Monday. It was that night after work that I started making my first attempts to catch up with those who I'd not gotten back to the previous week. It was that night that I discovered that my aunt and uncle, married 20 years with 4 kids, are now "newly single". I was devastated and shaken. These two individuals had been a symbol of everything I wanted to be "when I grew up". They didn't have an excess of money or lack of stress... but they had enduring love through every family drama that one could imagine. My four little cousins are the kind of kids I wanted to have someday (except not four, maybe two tops) and together they were the family I aspired to be. Even now, as I type this, I am on the verge of tears.

I've had more than a few episodes like this since 2008 began, each for varied reasons. Sometimes when feeling extra lonely on a random Monday through Thursday while watching tv alone in the dark. Sometimes the night before a doctor's appointment when nerves got the best of me. Sometimes when I missed people I once called friends who were no longer around. Sometimes out of fear of something horrible happening. Sometimes because I wanted to be curled up on my boy's couch out in Daytona instead of working through another day at the office. Then there were other times when I thought about tiny feet wearing tiny booties (adorned with the Cubs logo, of course). Sometimes when I saw a cute kid on television. Sometimes when I thought about little fingers sticking things up Hershey's nose. Sometimes when I thought about home improvement projects in the suburbs. Heck... sometimes when I thought about puppies. The point is that the waterworks have been turned on thanks to hormones and the fact that I am currently five months pregnant.

For Mother's Day this Sunday, the Grandmas will finally find out that they will soon be Great-Grandmas and my step mom will get her very first grandmother card. When my oldest friend from kindergarten checks her email, she'll likely fall out of her chair way over there in England. Only those who've not kept in touch well will find out as a result of my long awaited return to blogging. Soon the world will know and I now finally feel free to log in all of my crazy thoughts regarding this journey.

Now that the first run of tests are over, I can safely present my son to friends and family for the first time. Before I do, I have some acknowledgments to make.

To my friends that live far from my zip code: Despite your physical distance, you have been my strongest support group of friends. Your emails, IM chats, texts and even a few presents in the mail helped me get through all those nights that I was alone in my apartment. A, Mel, Bex, Doug. Deanna-head... I love you all so very much. Thank you.

To Jason's friends: Your warm wishes have made me feel welcome and cared about. I know I'll be seeing a lot more of you in the future.

To Maribel: Your strength and selfless nature is amazing. Despite everything you've been going through with your family and the loss you have suffered, you've been one of my biggest cheerleaders... and without you, I'd have no pants! I'm so very happy that our friendship has continued to grow.

I don't want to go on forever, but I do not want Jay, Ames, Brian, Cindy, Erica, Heather and James to feel left out... I appreciate you all checking in on me, being excited for me, offering future babysitting and making the weekends fun.

Last, but not least: Thank you, Jason... for being happy despite things being in the opposite order of what we'd planned, for walking my dog, taking out trash, making midnight grilled cheese sandwiches and generally helping out during our weekends and most of all for being the reason that gives me faith that everything is going to be alright. I love you and look forward to when our weekends are just the ends of our weeks together.

Sometimes it's hard for me to say things out loud... but anyone who knows me knows that I can write. With my tears of thanks out of the way, I can get back to the point of this blog. There were times when I worried that no love seems to stand the test of time, divorce is the norm and I have allowed myself to focus on fear. Having just started a new job, I will have little paid time off for my leave and it hasn't been easy to save money for the future when my medical insurance covers nothing until you meet a high deductible. There were days when I was so upset over the fact that I had absolutely no preparations in place for this that I wished I could push it all away for another year... postpone this baby until I was ready. Then there were days like Wednesday. Jason picked me up from work and drove me to Winnie Palmer hospital for my first ultrasound. Hand in hand, we watched the monitor as the nurse showed us the 10 inch, 18 ounce little boy that's been growing inside me. Looking into Jason's eyes and seeing a smile that radiated from within made me forget the days when I was riddled with self doubt, hurt by the lack of connection with other people in my life and worried about what could go wrong. Days like yesterday, when I thought about the child that we are going to raise and love together, have cast a bright light over the darker days... to the point where I honestly believe there were never any shadows there to begin with. These are the days that I remember what and who I do have and I am thankful.

Now, since my friend Kim in Texas has been bugging me for this... here is the very first official T prego pic: