...That's What She Said

Just over two months ago, I wrote a blog about feelings of loss and people/things/places that were missed. Every day since then, I've walked the same steps through a small section of downtown to and from the office where I work. On Fridays, workers are sweeping, turning over bar stools and wiping down the counters of I-Bar as I pass the glass windows shortly after 5:00 p.m. heading toward the parking garage. It's nearly impossible not to hear notes of Modest Mouse and The Killers in my head and it's just plain silly to try not to remember the back right corner of the dance floor and the tightly knit group of friends who once occupied it weekly. For the first month walking past my old Friday night hang out, it seemed like I was being followed by a ghost. I felt nostalgic, sad and almost lonely for those several hundred steps. A couple of weeks ago I noticed a change. As I gazed through the window pane, I felt myself smiling. I remembered the group dance moves to certain lyrics and comradeship shared between roommates and might-as-well-have-been-roommates ... and I was happy. It was on that day that I realized that I no longer could find reason for melancholy. Today being a Friday, I looked up at the neon sign above the door, not yet lit... and I decided that it's ok to miss certain cycles of life once they've passed. Remembering the good times, the laughs and the love while forgetting any feelings of betrayal or pain... that's a beautiful thing. It's something I never would have guessed that I'd feel, since I'm one of those givers that wants nothing more then to be remembered and included in the lives of the people that I care about. I'm the type that is hurt by distance and I've always had a hard time letting go of anyone I've once called my friend. Today the thought occurred to me that moving to another state of mind isn't that much different from physically moving to another state. You cannot be upset if someone moves across the country and starts a new life ... so why be hurt if someone emotionally moves on? It doesn't mean that you can't miss them. It simply means that you hold no ill will toward them and you know that if you saw them again some day, you'd smile and remember only the things that made you smile when you were friends... and it might even feel as though no time had passed at all.

I could be wrong, but I'd like to think that it's all true... because I've finally become content with having been a part of something great whether or not it stood the test of time. I'd like to think that when I'm 70 years old, sitting in my rocking chair on my porch while the grandkids play in the yard that I'll relish memories of my old friends and hope that those children have as much fun as I did when I was in my twenties... ok, maybe not quite as much... definitely not as much... but I do hope they claim stake in a corner of their own dance floor some day.