...That's What She Said

"Raise the walls and shout its flaws, a carpenter should rest
So that when you tire of one side the other serves you best
Read about the wisdom lost, a knock, a knock, a knock
A secret knock one hammer's locked the other wisdom lost." - R.E.M.

Sometimes the universe seems to throw things in my lap. This happens often when I'm not searching to find anything, or at least when I think that I'm not. While listening to my iPod at work, "Life and How to Live It" randomly played. The verse I listed above stood out today for some reason. I started thinking about how certain individuals in my life seem to be choosing sides, playing the opposing team and ignoring opportunities to end the game without naming winners and losers. I then Googled the name of the song with the intention of refreshing my mind as to what I interpreted Stipe's lyrics to mean. Along with a link to the Fables of the Reconstruction lyric page, an article written by a liberal columnist caught my eye.

His name was Mike S. Adams and I'd never heard of him before today. He was writing an article in response to a letter from an angry atheist who asked him that he refrain from including religious references in his column. This angry man had recently lost his wife to cancer and claimed that there was no God. Mr. Adams went on to tell a story about how he'd lost his own grandmother to the same disease and how a doctor's neglect was largely to blame. The twist to this story is that the grandmother ended up consoling the guilt-ridden doctor, hoping to make sure he knew he was forgiven before she died. This touched her daughter who then made it her mission in life to gather money for other victims of cancer and distribute it herself to those in need without accepting any thanks or retribution. Mr. Adam's point was that it is through the selfless acts and fair treatment of others that we find proof of a divine force that guides us in life and gives us all a purpose. He stated that his first theory on life and how to live it was, "Whether a tragedy remains a tragedy or becomes a catalyst for good is entirely a function of individual free will." The article went on to encompass how he hoped that by not bad mouthing the atheists and agnostic conservatives that often sent him hate mail and simply being grateful that people were reading and offering him different points of view would eventually cause some good to rub off on them. His second theory on life and how to live it was this, "Self-pity and gratitude are mortal enemies. Where one exists the other cannot. Since both are highly contagious, individuals must choose gratitude before becoming too thankless to do otherwise."

I firmly believe that little "signs" and "gifts" are available to the general public. It's up to each individual to take notice and decide what these things mean to them. I feel lucky to possess the awareness that even the tiniest event in a day can bring deep insight into my life. I love that I am able to learn and grow from the lessons that I create based on my experiences. However, I am also aware that not everyone thinks the way that I do, feels the Universe's pull and interprets things the way that I do. For example, just in the past few weeks, I have been reminded that I cannot hold everyone to the same expectations and standards. Something that may personally offend me if done by a close friend should not upset me if done by someone that I do not share a close bond with. The issue of trust creates different levels and rules of acceptable behavior. Another instance is the fact that I sometimes give in to other's behavior when their beliefs are completely different from mine. Is this acceptable? If I feel that I have a greater understanding of a situation, is it my duty to try to be a better person and continue trying to rectify a problem? When is it enough? When is it ok to give up and call it a loss... or is that not supposed to be an option?

I've pondered over these questions for days and I've concluded that I am only human. In order to maintain a healthy balance and benefit others around me by remaining a positive force in their lives, I feel that the cut off point should be when another's conflict impedes on my ability to be happy and be at peace with myself. While I acknowledge that the best definition of love is a quote from Robert Heinlein, "Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own", I have recently had to remind myself that another's happiness should be AS essential... never MORE essential. Putting the happiness of another before my own feelings has proven to be one of the most self-destructive things I've ever done... and I've done it more then once.

I've made an attempt to remove myself from situations infused with negative drama lately in hopes that as it continues on, I will not be perceived as an instigator to any of it. Perhaps then I can play a role in the resolution of whatever the underlying problem was once I am no longer involved. From my point of view, I am simply stepping back... because before I was too close to see the big picture and was making assumptions based on only the small piece in front of me. While I'll never completely let go of the people I consider best friends, I have unfortunately given up on others... for now. Maybe in time, my actions and words will influence certain individuals in a positive way despite the past miscommunication. I think I'm learning how to guard my heart in appropriate situations while not losing my faith in humanity... but I've been wrong before. I could most certainly be wrong now. I suppose only time will tell if the decisions I've made have been the right ones, but at least for now I am feeling a bit of inner peace. It's amazing to feel like myself again after being buried under emotional confusion for so many months... and I am thankful. My only wish now is that those I love who are feeling lost will find themselves again, too... I just wish I knew if sharing my thoughts with them would help or just widen the communication rift that has formed between us.